17 Just Held Such Better Days

Ok, so that's not exactly truthful. As I get older, my experiences have definitely gotten better so no, 17 did not hold better days. But, I still wish I was 17. I just feel that it's a very good age to be, and besides, I liked being illegal. :)

So, as of today, my birthday is in one week. Yeah, count it down to March 8th! Oh, 19 is coming. I don't want to be 19. Then there is only one more year until I'm 20. Damn. I miss being younger. I mean, when I was in my mid-teens I'd get comments from people like, "Wow, you really like some good music for your age." And then into 17-18, I'd get comments from people like, "Seriously?! I thought you were like 21-22; you just act more mature." Now I'm going to be more around that age. I'll be acting my age for once...damn.

It doesn't even seem like my birthday is coming up. I miss being young and just having it seem like forever to get to my next birthday. Now it just comes and goes like nothing and it doesn't carry the same "magic" with it that it used to.

So what am I doing for my birthday? Ahh, I don't know. When I was with Jay, I remember looking forward to what he'd do for me. Now I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even call...what a bastard.

Oh 19...

What The Hell Is Going On?!

Oh boy, the unthinkable has happened. I've met a boy who has got some potential for a relationship. Strange. Though, I am not about to rush into anything.

Anyways...I went down to Iowa this weekend and spent most of my time at ISU. Friday night was the first night I was there. I had my rum and coke and Rachel and I set off to roam around the floors in search of boys. We headed to her "lovers" room where a group of people were. Earlier in the evening she told me I should meet Ryan's (her lover) friend Steve. When we entered the room, I saw a boy in a hat sitting on a couch and he was someone I had not met yet. At some point, Rachel pointed out that that was Steve. I was immediately interested cause he was new and I noticed him looking at me and of course, I found that flattering. Later on in Rachel's room, there were these two guys up there just oogling over our "friend" Amanda and I was getting sick of it and told Rachel that we needed some attention. She called up Ryan and Ryan and Steve showed up. Well, since I was slightly intoxicated, I decided to flirt in my own drunk fashion. I just started standing closer and closer to Steve and then started to kind of lean on him. When he started to put his arm around me, I knew I had him. Jesus, I'm smooth aren't I? Steve and I didn't really talk that night. We just sat together on a chair in Rachel's room and flirted. Tyler was sitting next to us and staring at us. At one point he took Steve's hand off of me and said, "You can not touch her!" Heehee, it was funny. But the funniest part was when Tyler left and he goes, "Liz, I do not approve of this!" Classic. Anyway, Steve stayed with me that night in Rachel's room in her roommates bed. We hardly got any sleep cause we just kept talking and saying stupid shit. I kept belittling him and was being mean in my sarcastic way, but he loved it and even played along with it, which is so attractive to me. Heehee, the funniest part of the night...I was beginning to fall asleep and I was in this like "half-dream." I was dreaming that Steve and I were talking about the Grammy's or some other award show and that we were talking about the male host. All of a sudden, I wake up and go, "But who's the female host?" Steve looked at me strangely and asked, "What?" Wow, that's the first time I've ever done that and I felt like the biggest moron.
The next morning we exchanged numbers and decided I'd come back into ISU that night, even though Rachel wouldn't be around. That day I worried that Steve would become uninterested, and later found out that Steve worried about the same thing. But that night, I headed back over and we hung out in the dorms again and again, I got a little intoxicated. Oh wait, I got really intoxicated. I was falling down/laughing insanely drunk. That was fun. That night we stayed in his room and I got to meet his roommate. For lunch/breakfast, we met up with his super-cool friend Markus and headed out to Perkins. Steve came into State Center with me for the day and he met my gay friend Jacob who now deems Steve as the anti-christ; the most beautiful man in the world. And I quote Jacob, "Tell Steve not to shake my hand again, it's just too much physical contact!" Oh boy...Again that night, I headed back to ISU and got insanely drunk. I made out with Rachel and gave her a black hickey on her neck where anyone could see. I was quite proud. Poor Tyler who wanted nothing but to see Rachel and I make-out was not there to witness the spectacle. Haha, pobre Tyler.
I didn't leave Iowa til Tuesday night and needless to say, I spent the majority of my time with Steve. It sucked to leave him; I could tell he was sad to see me go, but it's awesome to know that there's someone that likes you that much. We've been chatting online a lot and calling when we feel like it. He called and woke me up at 1:30 last night cause I told him I like being woken up like that and we talked for an hour. It was lovely. He's already told his "mum" about me and has asked me to come down to Nebraska for a couple o' days with him over Spring Break. I just may have to do that. : )
Oh, the things I do.

Let's Do This Over...

Ok, scrap the idea that guys who are 25 should stay away from me and let's pen this: EVERY guy should stay away from me. Seriously, I'm like a disease.

I am the girl that guys hate to love.

Would you like to see my laundry list of guys who have been won over by the so-called "Charm of Liz"? Well, I'm not going to put it up.

You know, it has to be the pheramones. That's it. I have fucking deadly pheramones. I'm cynical and very mean in the way I talk. I'm an asshole. I tease relentlessly. Yet guys still cling to me. I don't get it.

I'm lethal. I really should be banned from society.

Heh, this is funny.

Bruised

I have realized something.... 25-year-old boys are a bad idea. Very...very bad. I really should stay away from them. No wait, THEY should stay away from me. Yes, that's how it should go.

Heehee, I make it sound like something really bad happened, when really it didn't.

Ooh, Lovely Rum

I must admit, as I'm writing this, I am a bit buzzed. : ) Heehee, I like my rum.

I'm at the ISU dorms right now in Rachel's room. The past couple of nights have been great. I met this guy named Steve on Friday night and then unthinkable has happened, I have met a guy that I really like, and...he really likes me too. : ) He stayed overnight with me in Rachel's room friday night and I headed over to ISU to see him last night. I spent all of last night with him and all day today with him too. Heehee, he's just a Nebraskan farm boy, someone I never could have seen myself with.

Oh, being single is such fun. Tonight will only get better too.

Liz Strikes Again!

Jerry, Julio, Jeff, Ryan, and now Ross...all these guys I'm meeting! Ross is the latest though, but he's the one I've known longest.
Ross is also a cashier at Target. We started talking probably back in November to December one night while we were working stray (putting stuff back after people put it in an odd place or decided they didn't want it) and I just started being my little sarcastic self with him. Since then, anytime we've talked, it's always been a sarcastic conversation. Never once did we have a conversation where we asked about one another or anything like that. I mean, before last night, I had no idea where he was from, how old he was, or what he was doing with his life. And the same is true for him of me.
Just recently I've been my mean sarcastic self around him; I've just been verbally attacking him in a joking way with a straight face. He made a comment to me one night, "You know, you REALLY know how to push my buttons. I had to bite my tongue at times!" I responded, "Yeah, I'm just sarcastic." But then he said back, "No, that's not sarcasm. You're straight faced and you sound so serious!" After that, Ross began to also attack me verbally and he was quite good at it as he was even able to press my buttons!
Last Sunday I was talking to him and made some comment about how I didn't have a TV. Ross then said that I should come over and watch TV with him sometime. He sounded serious but as there was no other talk about it, I didn't really think too much of it. On Friday, I headed into Target to drop off some papers and found Ross to be in the employee area. He said,"Hey, you haven't come over to watch TV!" I responded, "Well, you haven't invited me." Ross asked if I worked Saturday night, to which I responded "Yes" and told me to call him when I got off of work and that I could come over. Tyler was with me when this happened and told me he didn't think Ross was flirting while I was a bit confused whether he was or not. Ross is the kind of guy that can talk to anyone so it's hard to say whether he's flirting or not. I had also heard he had a gf. But then I thought, well he knows I'll get out late on Saturday but he still wants me to come hang out... Yeah, so pretty much, I just really didn't know what to expect last night. And again, I didn't know anything about him. Ross hit me off as kind of a "Good Guy" and Tyler got the same impression. But last night, I found that wasn't true.
I headed to his place in Dinkytown and got there around 1 am. I found out that he was 25 and he thought that I was 21 or 22. Hehe, I'm only 18 Ross... Ross started talking about drinking and pot smoking (when he was young) and he was just making these comments that just really surprised me! I mean, with a lot of stuff he was saying he was being sarcastic and such, but still, I could see that he wasn't as good as I thought he was. Ross asked if I drank and we ended up having some glasses of Rum and coke, which is now my new favorite drink. We talked and talked and got to know one another. He was mighty surprised to find out I had never smoked pot. As I thought he was more of a "good boy", he assumed I was more of a "bad girl." Oh, and I also found out that he didn't have a gf and the big thing I found out...he has a big crush on me that started in about December when I started to talk to him in my mean sarcastic way. So yeah...big revelation there!
Again, like some other nights spent with Jerry, I hardly got any sleep. We just stayed up the entire night pretty much. And it was fun. And that's all I'll say. : )

Squirrel Terminator

Ok, does anyone else find this as funny as I do?

The story at the end is great.

THe Hell Liz...

What the hell am I doing inviting boys over at 1:30 in the morning who I don't even know?

Gory

I met up with Jerry last night when I was finished at Target. I met him at Perkins at midnight after he had already been there for probably like 2 hours. We sat talking, joking, and laughing about nothing in particular, as we got drunk off of coffee. We got onto the conversation of movies and I talked about all of these classic and just plain good movies that I haven’t seen. “Wow, I really have a job on my hands.” Jerry commented at one point. He later asked when I had to get up the next morning and I replied that I didn’t have class until 1:30. So, then Jerry invited me over to watch a movie with him and of course, I obliged. We left Perkins around 1:30 am and headed to his house and made the way to the basement where we checked out the selection. I pointed out various movies that I hadn’t seen but told Jerry that it was ultimately up to him. After much critical thinking, he finally chose Kill Bill Volume 1. I loved it! I was just laughing in stupefied amazement at some of the scenes in the movie. And the music was so great too! Heehee, I just think it funny to picture us lounging on the couch watching such a gory movie and just loving the hell out of it for its brilliance. (And now I’m dying to see the 2nd one!) Yeah, so needless to say I’m a little tired. I didn’t get home until 4:30 last night and made myself get up early to write a paper that was due today. (Shame on me!) But it was well worth it. I miss just doing little things like that. I hate having nothing to do and just going to bed at midnight out of sheer boredom. Last night while sitting with Jerry, I was just laughing in my head thinking, “The hell Liz? Who is this guy, what are you doing?” Heehee, he’s just some guy that I met online and now we’re drinking coffee at Perkins and watching Kill Bill together. Life’s great sometimes.

Yesterday when I was driving to work I was flipping through the stations and quickly passed 89.3. As it stopped on the station, all I heard was a little acoustic music and then I turned to another one. But then I stopped. Though I didn’t really know the song, I just knew it was Sondre Lerche! I quickly went back and sure enough it was! It was like meeting your long lost adopted child…or something like that. J I was just overcome with joy and even felt like crying at hearing his voice. I just haven’t listened to him in so long and I finally put in his cd today to listen to it and it was just the greatest thing. Sondre Lerche is so good. If you haven’t checked him out yet, you have to. Except for you Tyler, you wouldn’t appreciate it.
And speaking of Tyler…he’s coming to see me this weekend! I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself! I’m so braiding your hair…

New!

Got bored with the old look, wanted to try something new. I like dots...and I like light colors, so this suits me I think. Guess we'll see if it lasts eh? Don't be too surprised if it happens to change again. But one weird thing..the comment thing is now above my posts...just so everyone knows and they're not commenting on the wrong one. Unless someone knows how to fix it and get it back like it was...hint hint...

Anyway, it's Friday night, and I'm bored. You know, if you're going to live in a city, you really need to LIVE in a city. One problem though, I really don't have anyone to hang out with. Sure, there's Jerry, but he's a really busy guy. (He makes his own little films and is working with a team on a tv pilot.) Then there's Abel, but...yeah, Abel. Speaking of him, we went to go see Boogey Man tonight. I wasn't expecting anything too great of the movie, and good thing I wasn't. Horrible lines and just really stupid plot. But, it's worthless to talk about. Anyway, so I'm getting over this Strep Throat and I knew Abel would just insist on buying me something to eat. When I picked him up, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere to eat. I responded as I usually do, "No, I'm not hungry." He just shrugged his shoulders and made this face of "You always say that, just stop!" So then I spoke up, "I'm still sick, I'm not hungry." I knew he'd get on my nerves... When we got to the theatre, he told me I could get something to eat but I just got a pop. He asked if I'd eat popcorn with him but kept replying, "No." He still got popcorn and when the guy asked if he wanted butter on it, Abel looked at me and asked if I did. I smiled as I said, "I'm not eating it, it's up to you." He goes, "You're not?" Well shit Abel, I told you I wasn't. And uhh, a few times he kept putting his hand on my back and I was just seriously cringing. With a lot of guys, I just can't handle being touched, it really bothers me. Especially if I'm just not attracted to them in that way! After the movie, I headed over to Target to drop him off and he said, "I want to go to McDonalds." Notice, he said "I." I pull up to the drive-thru and after the guy asks what I need, Abel says, "Get what you want." I knew he would do that! He'd just wait till we got up there and I was trapped in the corner! Oh well Abel, spend your fucking money on me if you want. So, I ordered something cheap...
Anyway...back to what I was saying. So there's those two boys...sure there is my roommate but she doesn't go out too often. Also, she has asthma so I understand her not wanting to go to the bars and such. I'd go alone, but...I'd rather someone be with me. And besides, I reallly don't know where I'd go, I don't know what's up here!
I need to go on some dates. I just need to meet people and have fun. Anyone interested in taking me on a date? I'll go with anyone just for the chance to get out and have fun. I should ask Tony...I'm sure Tony would be happy to take me out. I mean, he likes 'em young doesn't he? (Ooh, I'm going to get a talking to...) Heehee, I tease! Maybe...

Thanks Ian

Last night I began to feel quite shitty again. I took my temperature to see that it had risen from the night before. I called up mom and she pretty much told me that I definitely needed to see someone. I had a high fever, horrible headache and my throat hurt like a bitch. Well, I had to call and wake up my dad because I don't have my insurance card and had to get all that info from him. And then since I haven't been to any clinic or anything around here, I called up Ian to see if he could help me out. So around 10:40 last night, Ian picked me up and we went to the Fairview Hospital and Emergency clinic in campus town. The lady at the front desk was what Ian described as a "pleasant lady." She acted very impatient and her voice was not soothing at all. I guess when Ian finally came in, he went up to her and said, "My sister just came in." The lady just threw out her hands in this bitchy "I don't know who she is" way. Anyway, I got a throat coulture (sp?) right away and had questions asked of me, they took my blood pressure and shiznit like that. After that, things went very slowly...Once I was finally taken back to see the doctor, it took him forever to finally come in and see me. He asked me about my symptoms and then he checked my breathing and my limph nodes and looked in my throat. He said it looked like strep throat. So then he went to go check on the throat coulture and again I had to wait a long-ass time. When he came back, he said I was positive for it. So then he left me again to go fill out my perscription. That took awhile. After I got my script, I was told to head over to the hospital next door and pick up my pills. So I headed over there and went to the little pharmacy area and handed my script to the lady in there. She looked at me questioningly and said, "Ok?.." Jesus Christ lady, I was handed this and told to come here! You do this all the time! She just acted as though I should have more information or something. So then she told me it would take about 30-40 minutes. I couldn't believe it. It was already 12:10.
Ian and I headed to the village wok where I drank my water and some tea and watched him eat. We headed back to the hospital about 40 min later and I returned to the room. There was another lady in there, a nurse who worked at the hospital who was suffering from a migraine. They told us it might take 10 more minutes because their system wasn't working right and things were getting sent back. The nurse was saying, "This lady is so slow!" Well, it ended up taking longer than 10 min. I was probably there for about 20-30 min. The nurse had already left to go home, taking her script with her. I waited it out though and finally I got my perscription. And yeah, I didn't get home till 1:30. I feel kind of bad for doing that to Ian, but I really appreciate it.
So now I'm stuck at home all day. "Joy" It is an early weekend for me it seems.

Jesus Christ boys..

I just got back from my walk and I realized that there are still some things about this area that are going to take some getting used to. I've talked about this before, but here I go again.
I walked by this house where two 20-some boys were standing on the porch. I just knew something would be said. As I walked by, one boy says, "You look pretty." I just looked up at him and then looked away. He went on, "Can I get your number, I'll call you later."
I also had two cars honk at me while on my walk. Jesus...I mean, in State Center I'd always get looks from men around the town and such, but of course they never hit on me. It's a small town, shit would get around. But here, no one is afraid to do anything.
But then again, I can't say I don't enjoy it either...

Ass

Ass. I feel like ass. I had a fever last night that just seemed to strike out of nowhere. And though my body was hot, I still felt cold. This morning was when I felt the worst though. My body felt so hot and gross while I still froze on the inside and I had a splitting headache that would just not go away...So yeah, I didn't go to class today, which sucks. I had a test in Geology that I missed out on...fucking "joy."
But I'm starting to feel better. Just like the sickness came out of nowhere, it's leaving almost as fast. I don't get it. But whatever, I enjoyed the feeling of weakness that comes from being sick and it was fun to feel like a zombie as I shuffled around Target looking for jello and sore throat drops.
I think I'm going to go for a walk. The weather is too nice to not enjoy it.

Lovin' The Sleep Deprivation

I'm sleep deprived, hence the title, but it has all been worth it.
Last night Jerry called me up and invited me to go to a movie with him and of course, I accepted the offer. We saw the movie Hotel Rhwanda (sp?). It was a really good movie, and definitely very sad. We joked later about how we saw that movie for our date.
Last night was spent with Jerry at his town house. We just stayed up for hours as he played music for me that I hadn't heard yet and we talked and joked about this and that, until he eventually started falling asleep on me. But, I guess it's excuseable since the night prior we hadn't even gone to bed at all. Needless to say, we were both a little tired.
I've really been enjoying hanging out with Jerry. He appreciates my weird and sometimes absurd humor for he is also a bit morbid in a humorous way. We both can laugh at anything and he thinks I'm interesting. What more could I ask for?
It's strange how something so good can come from something so horrible...

Jerry...

Oh Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...
I actually looked forward to coming home to Minneapolis last night and I actually am starting to enjoy living here. I may not have gone to bed last night and almost fell asleep mulitiple times in my classes, but it was well worth it. Sigh... : )
I'm a happy girl right now...

Friday Night Drunk Girl

I'm leaving for Iowa tomorrow and on Friday I'll be visiting my friends Rachel and Tyler who are going to ISU. Rachel lives in the dorms and is living the stereotypical college dorm life: She gets drunk quite a bit. And there is nothing wrong with that! Ok, maybe there is. :)
Since I've recently been dumpt and have been hurting, I've realized that I need to get out and just do more. I'm going to start spending a lot more time with my friends and family, but also, I just need to kind of forget about things for the moment, and what better way to do that than to drown my sorrows with alcohol?? (please keep in mind that I'm not being wholly serious! I don't actually think this is a good idea.)
Anyway, so there's going to be a party on Rachel's floor and there will plenty of drunk college girls and BOYS about. And no, I do not plan on being a good girl. There's not anything to hold me back now. But hey, before you start worrying or looking down on me, please know that I do not plan on doing anything sexual, I'm still a good girl even if I am being "bad." So yeah, Friday should be fun. I'll get drunk and start dancing and hopefully start flirthing and such. Tyler has never made out before...that might change. :) Oh Tyler, you know I tease. Or do I?? Heehee...

I'm such a verbal whore.

Creepity-Creep

Some of you who know me also know that I have a secret obsession with creeps; I love them. Moreso, I love getting hit on by creeps. When I was followed in Venice by this creepy guy, my heart was all a-flutter. When weird guys hit on me at unexpected times, I can't wait to tell my friends. Somehow, I always seem to find myself in a position where a creep comes along and hits on me. And, it has happened again! They must be drawn to me...like they can sniff it on me or something!
I was working at Target one night when this man came through my lane. The guy looks about older 30's to 40's. He's probably around 5'5 and has a stocky build. He is just a bit overweight, but it's natural looking for a guy his age. He has dark hair with gray in it; full head of hair and he wears glasses. He seems like a really nice guy and he's always whistling and humming. Well, one night when he came through, he asked me how I was doing and I replied, "I'm doing well." He replied to this, "Oh, you seem a little so-so tonight Liz. Other times I come in, you seem to be happy and such." I thought this slightly creepish. I mean, it's normal to recognize workers at a place where you go often, but it's just the fact that he took notice of me and what mood I seemed to be in. Anyway...another night he came in and he went to a lane right next to me. While checking out, he kept looking over at me! Not like I wasn't staring at him too, but whatever, it was just slightly weird.
So a couple nights ago I was finishing with one customer and I looked and saw that he was next in line. My heart started beating fast and I could feel the redness in my face. But then I thought, "Well, I do like creeps, maybe I can make a moment out of this and use pity to my advantage." When I turned to him I said, "Hey, how's it going?" And I made sure to say it in a way that showed that I recognized him and such. I'm not sure how this happened, but he ended up introducing himself to me. "Well Liz, my name is Alex." Now...do you think that you would ever just introduce yourself to a cashier? And not just that, but he said it in a way that was like he meant that I'd be seeing him more often. So, then he asked me how I was doing, and I began my pity act. "Oh, it hasn't been the best weekend for me." I replied. "Oh, what happened?" He asked. I smiled slightly and said, "Oh, just some relationship problems."
And here was his reply: "Well, I think you're a really special girl and no one should ever hurt you."
AGH! I couldn't believe it! I just wanted to scream out loud and I couldn't wait to call up my friends and tell them what had happened. After he left, I couldn't help but imagine a creepy date with this guy...I just imagined me sitting very uncomfortable in his nice living-room; we'd have wine glasses in our hands and at some point he'd start stroking my face with the backs of his fingertips as he told me how lovely I looked. Wow, I need to stop. That's creepy.
I'm going to get myself in trouble.

Reality Bites

I didn't speak to Jay all weekend for he had gone down to Iowa City to visit a friend and party. Last night while working at Target, I received a text from him that said, "Wow, no texts this weekend, is something wrong?"
Anyway I talked to Jay last night and brought up our little situation. As I figured, he protested talking about it. He's one of those types who when they talk about something once, then they're done with it. He just didn't want to discuss it, but I wouldn't let him go. "Jay, I'm confused and I don't know what's going on!" I pleaded with him. Jay threatened to hang up, but didn't. He never does actually do it. He started to go on about how he didn't like talking about it because he didn't have answers to my questions. He doesn't know why he's feelings this way and it hurts him to not know why and to not be able to answer my questions. I was talking to Jay on the way home from work and as I pulled into my drive-way I asked Jay, "Are you crying?"
"Yes." He replied. Yeah..so that got me crying of course. I was hurt by the fact that Jay has lost feelings for me for apparently no reason and he was crying because he couldn't explain why he was feeling this way and he hated hurting me like this.
But, it was not all tears though. I started cracking jokes, while we were crying : ), and was just kind of making a mockery of some of the thigns that were happening and such. I also started to go on like: "C'mon Jay, is it really that hard to love me?!" I began to name off various things that we had done together and brought up things that I had done for him; like all of my creative gifts I've given him. All of this made him laugh through his tears and at one point he jokingly said, "Stop being so cheeky!" I loved hearing this for in that one ill-fated conversation the other night he had stated that "..things aren't like what they used to be; things aren't cheeky like they used to be.." I started to talk about our options of what we could do. I told him that if it were up to me I wouldn't break up because I still love him and my feelings haven't changed, but the decision was ultimately up to him. If things weren't quite right with him, then it wouldn't work. With pain in his voice, Jay made the decision that it might be best for us to take a break. This got me crying again, which got Jay crying again. At one point he jokingly said, "You made me cry twice tonight!" (I love when Jay cries, I love to see a guy showing his emotions)
It was definitely hard to fully realize what was about to happen, and it sucked. But it definitely wasn't as painful as the other night. Jay told me that he was pretty sure that if we were to have stayed together then it would have ended in a bad break-up for we both would have just been so stressed out with what was going on. He feels that the break is a good chance to have the "spark" come back. He feels that we need to both take a step back and do what we feel we must and want to do in terms of our future. That being said, he plans on moving to Colorado next fall. I was speechless when he told me that, but not really surprised. I felt that I might have been holding him back from doing that.
But things have ended well. I know Jay is definitely doing this with us in mind. I feel that lately our relationship has gotten stressful with Jay focused more on his educational future than anything else. And then there were my fears with him not being totally focused on us which caused more stress. I mean, last night was very stress free after we got things settled and we had such a great, fun, and funny conversation. I think this really will do us some good.
But of course, I do fear that Jay won't come back to me, that his feelings for me will never come back, and that sucks. I hate knowing that when we're together, he won't be reaching out to hold me or kiss me. I hate knowing that I won't be sleeping in his bed with him at night. It sucks. But if there's a chance that Jay and I could get back together, I'm for it.
I guess I'll see what happens...Maybe Abel will be happy. I know Tyler is...you sick bastard! :)

Oh no Abel...

Abel called me while I was talking to mom and left a voice mail. In it he said to call me back after three cause that's when he'll be home. He wants to know if I want to do something tonight if I'm doing nothing...but then...oh my I can't believe this. At the end of the message he said, "Ok, I'll talk to you later...I miss you."

No, no, no...we don't have anything to talk about, he can't like me!

Hmm...

Well, I guess I'm feeling better already, but only to an extent. I'm still confused and still don't know what to do. This is just overwhelming and I just feel so stuck.

I talked to Jay last night on the phone. Of course, he was in one of his moods, which he always seems to be in, or at least when he's around me lately...that sucks. Thing with Jay, it's hard for him to talk about what's bothering him and so when he did finally get shit out and talks about it, he talks about it once and then it's done with. I'm not that way. I always bring stuff up after it's happened just because I want a clear and precise idea of what's happening and how we're feeling. Last night when I tried to bring it up, Jay was pretty much just like, "Why are you bringing this up?" I asked him if he did just want to kind of forget it and start over and he said "Yes." Also, I asked if we just dropped the whole moving in thing would everything be fine and again he replied, "Yes." But just the way he talked...I just don't feel too comforted. Jay has never liked talking on the phone, but things just seem to be changing. I don't know if there are reasons for this besides what was discussed the other night, or maybe if it truly is that he's worried about getting too serious and so that's just effecting everything right now. I mean, before when I'd be up here and we wouldn't talk for awhile, he'd actually call me during the day just to talk, and he hates talking on the phone! I'm g0ing on my third week up here, the longest I've been up here without going home or having someone come to visit, and he just hasn't called. If I'm to call him, he doesn't get excited or really engage in conversation. But then again, he never really just talks to people on the phone anyways. It's just short little things.

I just don't know what to think, and I hate this but I know I won't really know what's going on until I go home. Until then I just have to wait. I'm not sure what's going to happen, and that frightens me. I'm just left alone with my thoughts and my brain is about to explode with all the shit I'm thinking of. I think of what it would be like to be single again, or just take a slight break from Jay. I'm thinking of what would happen if we just dropped the serious stuff and I stayed up in Minnesota or went to some other state or even out of the country and we just let it go and see what happened; just see if we still love one another and still want to stay together. This idea does excite me. I'd love to go live abroad and go to some college in England or somewhere, just try something totally new. I'm young and this would be a good time to do such a thing before I have to settle down with a job. Only thing...money! But then again, I think of all the times that Jay and I have had and it'd be so hard to just kind of put some of that stuff aside, even if we are still together.
I can really relate to some things I've seen Josh say on his blog about the whole "I love you" thing. Whenever I'd hear of people my age saying they were in love, I never believed it and thought them too young. And I always felt that I'd never be comfortable enough to say it, and that it'd take me a VERY long time to reach that comfortable level. As my family can tell you, as can my friends and such, I'm not a close person and don't really like to be touched. I don't like sharing my feelings or having people show their feelings for me. When I'm flirting, it's fine but when things start to get serious, I always get uncomfortable. And then Jay came along. After being with him for awhile, I found myself actually wanting to hear him say "I love you" and when he did, it was just such a rush, and I never felt weird about it! And then I finally felt it and said it to, and I didn't feel uncomfortable. I've just said, felt and done so many things with him that I could have never believed I could say, feel and do. To leave that or put it on hold? Fuck. I don't know how.
But I really can't make any decisions yet as I haven't been home yet. I'm kind of scared to go home. Scared that Jay won't be able to find it within himself to care for me like he used to. I'm scared he won't want to hug or kiss me. I hate this shit. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Actually it's not. 2nd to worse thing.

I'm Dying Right Now...

Quite the title eh? Well, I don’t really know how else to describe how I’m feeling right now. Fuck, how to even start this. Ok…I’ve been having some fears about Jay and I lately, but I just assumed that they were my normal insecurities trying to get the better of me and as I’m going home next weekend I thought I’d just wait it out. Why the fears? Well last time I was home I noticed that Jay wasn’t being as close to me as he usually was and he didn’t seem to want to go out and do as much with me as usual. Also, he kept getting bothered by doing things with me that he thought were becoming routine, but I can understand that. Routine sucks, it kind of takes the feelings away after time. But I just hoped that it was a phase and that he’d snap out of it. I mean, that happened, but then Jay would pull me to him and hold me and kiss me and show me how much he cares like he always does. But still, it bothered me. So yeah, lately I’ve just been feeling all this fear and have been thinking about breaking up a lot recently. It’s not that I want to, but I feared it was going to happen, of course I pushed this to the side, thinking it just a silly worry. The other night I had a dream that Matt and Emily broke up, but all the next day I felt that it was more geared towards Jay and I.
Then last night came…Jay and I were chatting online like usual, and we were just having one of our normal conversations when suddenly Jay asked, “Can we have a serious talk?” My heart started to pound and I began to get very nervous. I asked if it was something bad but Jay assured me that it wasn’t. Well, it ended up being bad, but truthfully, I don’t think Jay expected it to go where it did. The first thing that Jay said that he was getting scared because he felt we were getting too serious and it frightened him that I wanted to move out to Colorado with him. I understand him getting scared cause it’s going to fast, but he was the one who asked me to go out to Colorado with him and the idea excited me. Well, last night Jay told me that it made him cringe to think that he had asked me that. Do you know how painful that is?! That’s a fucking stab in the heart to have him say that! But it gets worse. Jay went on to say about how things are just the same between us and nothing is happening; that we’re running out of things to do. He also talked about how he has been feeling weird around me lately and that’s why he wasn’t as close last time. He said he couldn’t explain why he was feeling this way and that it was killing him to feel that way. I asked him if he was suggesting we break up but he said he didn’t want that. Jay talked of how we’ve been fighting and bickering more lately, and I told him it was because of the way he had been acting and how since it got me confused and such, I began to question him about it, and Jay hates being questioned about things. I don’t know if he felt threatened or scared or whatever, but a fight would just break out.
I was definitely crying at this point. Why lie, I’m crying now. I wasn’t the only one crying though. Jay admitted he couldn’t see straight cause of his crying and that it was killing him too.
It continues. I asked Jay if he loved me, which he responded yes to. But when I asked if he was in love with me, his reply was, “I dunno.” How the hell do I respond to that, and how the fuck am I suppsed to feel after seeing that? It fucking kills! I mean, this is my worst fucking fear; the fear that I’d still have the same feelings for someone, but their feelings would lessen. You can change behaviors and such that bother people, but feelings are a lot harder to change.
At one point Jay suggested that maybe we should take a break, because then maybe the spark would come back. This only made me cry harder and I told Jay that I wouldn’t be able to do that. I’d still long to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. My feelings haven’t changed and I just can’t stop loving him and showing him that I do! After I told Jay this, he thought about it and then decided that that wasn’t the best idea for he’d feel the same. He apologized to me for being an asshole last time I was home and for getting angry and for his feelings that he’s been having. He commented about how tonight sucked. I asked him if he dreaded my coming home next weekend and he said no. When asked what he thought about it, he said “It’ll be like it always is. It’ll be good to see you.”
Jay began to talk about how he just wanted to start over. He didn’t want to break up with me, he couldn’t do it. He said, “I just want to forget this conversation ever happened and start over, though I know it’ll be easier for me to do that than you.” So he wants to continue with us, but just not get so serious. But when I asked him, the only serious thing between us is the moving in together thing, nothing else is bothering him.
Oh I just don’t know. Last night was just so painful, as is today. And I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain; it’s really hard for Jay to talk about how he’s feeling, but it also killed him because he knew how much I cared for him. Emotionally, Jay has been my first for everything. I’ve just never felt comfortable about liking a guy, until Jay came along. He’s the only person that I never felt uncomfortable around! And the thing is, I have such a hard time with expressing my feelings, I mean Jay is the only person who I could actually say out loud to, “I love you.” Fuck, he’s the only person I could write to and say that, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else, it just makes me uncomfortable! I’ve given him so much in this relationship, just so much of me, and he’s done the same to me. I can’t lose this. This is fucking killing me.
I mean, do you know how it feels to be 4 hours away from the person you love and have this going on? Do you know how it feels to have this going on, knowing that you won’t see this person for another week? I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I just don’t fucking know. The only logical thing to do it seems is cry, and I’ve done plenty of that. When this started last night, I texted my roommate Emily and had her come back home from her bf’s last night. She came into my room and hugged me and sat with me as I cried and continued my chat with Jay. That really meant a lot to have her do that. I was texting my friend Rachel about this, but there wasn’t much she could do. She just said she wished so bad she could be with me and that she felt awful.
I couldn’t stop crying last night. I woke up this morning and felt so confused. It just didn’t seem real and how I wished it was only a dream. But it wasn’t, and I was soon crying again. And here I am, still crying. I still have the whole day to live out; I still have classes and work tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to keep from breaking down. I just don’t know what to do.

It Continues...

Ok, so I should talk about what happened with that guy "whose name I don't know." Well, now I DO know his name, and it's Abel. Heehee, he had quite the life when he realized I didn't even know his name. He's also from Ethiopia and just moved here about a year and four months ago and we he got here, he didn't know any English. (No wonder I can't understand him at all sometimes!) Umm, the other day I met him at Target and before we left, I headed off to the candy area to get some Sour Patch Kids for the theatre since theatre food is too fucking expensive. He told me to get whatever I wanted and I replied that I had money. Well, he just put a ten dollar bill in my hand and wouldn't take it back. Yeah...when we got to the movie, he ended up paying for that too. He kept insisting that he buy me something at the theatre but I utterly refused. "I have my candy, I'm all good." I stated. While waiting for the movie to start, he asked if my bf was in Iowa and he also asked how long we had been together. I'm just happy to know that he remembers I have a bf. After the movie, he insisted that we go to McDonalds, and he bought my supper and then we went back to my place and ate it and played with the cat before I dropped him off at Target to work.

Now, some of you think he was hitting on me, but I don't. Why? Well because when I continously say no to him wanting to buy shit for me, he always says that he doesn't understand why Americans always say no when they really do want something. "I have money so why not spend it?" He asked me.

Oh well, the guy is really nice, but we don't have too much to talk about, which makes me wonder why he continues to want to hang out with me. I mean, a couple of nights ago I went to bed around midnight-ish and at 12:20 my phone rang and said Target was calling me. I figured it was him and sure enough it was. He left a voicemail saying that if I wasn't doing anything on Sunday or Monday I should call him. Last night I worked at Target and so did he and I ended up giving him a ride home. But before he went home, we just HAD to go to McDonalds. As I ordered for him and told the lady it was done, he began to laugh and yelled at the machine, "No, we're not done yet!" Yeah...so he bought me McDonalds last night. Ahhh, oh well. Free food.

Oh Dear...

I don't really know how to start this off, so I'm just going to jump right into it. There is this guy at work and I will refer to him as "the guys whose name I don't know." If you can't guess, I don't know his name. He works on the sales floor and so he doesn't wear a name tag and if he ever did tell me his name, which I don't think he did, then I don't remember it. I'm so horrible with names, as soon as someone tells me their name, it's just gone. Anyway, we met awhile back in the break room. He was eating some cookies and offered some to me. Since then, I guess we've been pals. I don't know. We've never had any big conversations or anything. He just suddenly started saying hi to me all the time and asking me how I was doing. But, it'd be hard for me to hold a conversation with him anyways. I'm not sure what ethnicity he is; he's dark of skin and has an accent, and that's the best I can do. I'm not good with accents and such. I can never understand what he's saying, since I'm accent retarded and so our conversations consist of him talking and me either nodding and smiling or asking, "What was that?" One time when we talked, he told me about how he hated staying at home and doing nothing and he was always trying to get out of the house to go out to eat and/or go to a movie. A few days ago, he asked me what I was doing on Friday and I replied "Nothing." I figured he would be going somewhere with this so I asked him if he was working. He said that he wasn't, and then he went on and on about how he wanted to see the movie Coach Carter and wanted someone to go with. So yeah, today we're going to go see the movie Coach Carter. Well, I didn't really think much of this. I mean, he told me before of how he just likes getting out of the house and I had remembered telling him I have a bf and he saw pictures of Jay on my cell phone. But then I gave him a ride home that night and when I dropped him off at his house, he gave me a present that was square shaped. At first I thought it might be a journal because he saw me journaling once in the break room, but when I opened it I saw that it was actually make-up, lip stick and lip gloss to be exact. I was just so stupified I couldn't help but laugh! So yeah, I don't know what to make of this; whether he's hitting on me or not. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens tonight eh?

Blah...

Oh, what to post about. I really don't have too much to say. Nothing too grand has happenend lately. On December 27th, I was able to leave for Iowa and stay home for a week and a half. While home, I successfully did much of nothing. I sat around playing playstation 2 and eating mozzeralla sticks with Jay. We played a lot of Dance Dance Revolution which is really quite fun, and quite a workout. One night we had a Dance Dance Revolution competition between me, Jay, and Rachel. I only came in second, Jay the master dancer came in first. After that, we hopped in Rachel's car and went to Marshalltown to Wal-Mart to spend some well-earned money on bottles of whip cream. Yum... A couple days before we had frozen rain and so when we got back to Jay's, we headed over to the high school parking lot and slid around on the ice for awhile. A couple days later, we got about 8 inches of snow so Jay and I took my monster Taurus over to the parking lot and did donuts to our hearts' content. Then we went home and ate some more mozzeralla sticks.

Oh...I miss my small townn life.

It's X-Mas?

Today is really just another day for me. This year, X-Mas isn't about the actual day, it's just about when it happens, and it's not happening today. Ian invited me to go along with him and his wife to her mother's house, but I declined the offer. Even though I know I wouldn't be, I still feel like I was intruding on their families time together. I'd just feel out of place and I don't want to feel that way. Besides, I need to spend time with Leeloo, but I don't feel that she's appreciating our time together enough. She's been abusing me all day; just biting and clawing and being the little monster that she is. I get no respect from that cat.
So today I'll just busy myself with reading, journaling and cleaning up. Emily left the place in a bit of a mess and it's annoying me.
But yeah, just another day. At least I don't have to work today. The past couple of days at Target have been crazy with all the people coming in. Yesterday, some customer bonked me right in the head with wrapping paper when I wasn't looking . Surprised, I looked at him and he had this huge smile on his face and said, "Merry X-Mas!" On the 23rd, I had to close at Target and we didn't get out of there until 2:15 a.m. That was such "fun", especially when I thought that I wasn't closing that night. What a "lovely" surprise that was. Heehee, it was kind of funny though yesterday at Target. I was just being so cynical. When people asked how I was doing, I'd hesitate a little and then say, "Could be better, I could be at home." I felt like a cynical little elf. One guy asked if I was working hard. My response: "Oh yeah, it's pretty hard just standing here and passing things across a scanner."
So yeah...Merry X-Mas to whoever is celebrating it today. And for Josh, I'll take back my Merry X-Mas (I don't want to annoy you in my "religious assumptions.") : ) And Merry X-Mas to me in a few days.

Merry X-Mas, You're Growing Up

I was down in Iowa for Part One of my X-mas at home. I went down on the 17th and came back on the 22nd and while down there my mom and I exchanged gifts. From her I got a recipe book, a Wok set, wood coasters, an apple crisp pan with mix and a crock pot. I also got one present from my dad and his gf and it was a 4-cup coffee pot. I really appreciate everything I got for it's stuff that I needed, but I just find it funny. I mean, you know you're growing up when you're getting a crock pot and a coffee maker for X-mas. I was talking to my friend Austin about it last night and he said, "It sounds like you're 40 or something." I replied, "It's like I'm getting married...married to myself. Or married to my life."

Blah

So I haven’t posted in awhile. My “bad.” Thing is, I really haven’t had much to say as of late. Nothing too exciting has happened to me recently. I wasn’t able to go home this weekend and all I’ve been doing up here in Minneapolis is working at Target and sitting around staring at the walls. I’m bored. I cannot wait for Friday to come so that I can leave and just head back to good ol’ Iowa with my little monster of a cat.

Target, there’s something to talk about. You know…work wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for those damn visas, and especially Peter. Peter is one of the head cashiers at Target and he’s the main source of my hatred of Target right now. I understand that promoting redcards (the Target Visa card) is just a part of my job and I understand that I’m not exactly promoting enough…but how could I forget how “important” these redcards are when I’m harassed about them every day that I work?! Stupid Peter is always coming up to my lane clapping his hands and singing some little stupid ditty about me getting some redcards, “Liz wants some redcards and she’s going to get some” he’ll sing. I just smile and giggle as realistically as possible. Of course, I fail. Though I’ve worked there for over 3 months and have heard about all the stupid tactics to entrap Target consumers in to getting a card, Peter still seems to think that I forgot or something. He’s always reminding me of different things to say stuff and different ways to approach people. The other day, he made me role play with him…I fucking hate role playing! A couple days ago…he began to talk to me about redcards again and said, “Ok, why don’t we role play?” I answered enthusiastically, “Haven’t we already done this?” Heehee, great team spirit eh? Oh…it’s just so annoying.

Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping, maybe it’s nerves or something. But last night I’m laying in bed and waiting for sleep to claim me when I hear Matt and Emily talking about me in the living room. They were talking about what would happen if I were to move out. Earlier that night, Emily had asked me if I planned on moving out. I think she has always suspected I would since I always go home and don’t really enjoy my time her. I told her that I was thinking about it, but had no set plans to do so. She then made the comment that Matt had considered moving in if I moved out. Matt was quick to jump in and say, “I’m not trying to push you out or anything.”
But when they were talking last night, it wasn’t like “Well IF she moves out…” They were discussing where they would put certain things and they were talking about rearranging and all this shit. Whatever. I should stay up here just to ruin their plans.
Yeah…I guess that’s what’s going on with me at the moment. Blah…

"Been an Avid Smoker since I was Five."

The coolest thing happened when I woke up this morning: I couldn’t talk. Well, I could, but it sounded like a loud and strained whisper.
For the past few days, I have been on the ill side. Each day I’ve gone through a different sick phase. The first day my throat hurt, the second day my throat was itchy and I was a bit congested, the third day I was really congested, and today I just can’t talk. And I am totally loving it! Hehe, when I woke up this morning, I just kept talking to myself cause I thought it sounded really cool. It’s rare that I lose my voice when I’m sick and I’ve always envied people who have. I’ve had hopes before when I’ve been sick, but then I’d just clear my throat and my voice would be clear again. But no matter how much I try to clear my throat today, I still don’t have much of a voice! Usually I don’t notice how quiet I am or how much I don’t talk, but today I find myself just wanting to talk to everyone…and then I realize how I really have no one to talk to. Wow, that sounds sad. I mean like in class…I just don’t speak out or anything.
I have to work tomorrow at Target and I wonder if my voice will still be all crackly and frog-like. If it is, I think I might just tell people that I’ve been an avid smoker since the age of five.But yeah, anyone else think it’s cool to not be able to talk when you’re sick?

Satanic Kitty

My cat has turned towards Satanism

Leeloo

Click here to see pictures of my Leeloo, my new kitty!

Halloween Happenings

My boyfriend, Jay, and my best friend, Rachel, came up from Iowa to celebrate Halloween with me. Oh what a Halloween it was!

Rachel dressed up as a “sexy pirate” and Jay and I went as the two main characters from the movie “The Fifth Element.” He was the Bruce Willis character and wore a dyed orange tank top with rectangular holes cut in the back and had on black pants that had holes in them and then black boots. I was Leeloo and had orange hair, a white shirt that bared my WHOLE midriff, really tight brown/golden pants, orange suspenders, and black boots.

Saturday night we hopped on the bus to downtown and headed to the club Tropix. Rachel and Jay had been chugging Vodka before we left and so needless to say, they were a bit annoying on the way there. Jay kept yelling out things on the bus and I kept on telling him to just shut up. While walking there, he kept yelling out at the cars passing by and at other people dressed up who walked by. It was fun though. Hehe, we were at this stoplight waiting for the walk signal to come on and as this SUV drove by, Jay lifted up Rachel’s skirt to show off her underwear, which was met by some much approved “wooing.”

At Tropix, they have an area for 15-20-year-olds and an area for 18 and up. For the first part of the night, we hung out in the 15-20 area for that was where there were the most people and the most dancing. At my first club, I had trouble getting into things and dancing, but Saturday night I got right into it. Jay loves to dance and go to clubs and it felt good to do something with him that he enjoyed. It was a bit harder for Rachel though for she had never been to a club before, but she had Jay and I to blend in with, so she did fine.

So, there were these two guys at the club who were dressed all in black with trench coaches and baggy pants, and they were just kind of standing off to the side, but close to where we were dancing. I started to get closer and closer to one of them, and before I knew it, his hands were on me and he was dancing with me. I grabbed a hold of Jay and gave him a weird look but Jay just said, “I don’t care if you dance with another guy, just do it!” So, I was dancing with this guy who was behind me and I had Jay in front of me and Rachel was behind him. Then the other guy got behind Rachel and we just had this line of five people dancing, which was just so fun! Save for the fact that I was pretty much getting molested, but I guess I kind of asked for it with my outfit. The guys hands were just all over me, going up and down and here and there. I guess the guy behind Rachel was touching Jay’s chest and ass too, haha. At another time, Rachel, Jay, and I were standing on the outskirts of the dancers and were cooling off a bit. Jay and I started to dance a little bit and then this guy just came up behind me and started dancing with me. Then Jay grabbed me, picked me up and started dancing with me like that, and as he did this, the other guy grabbed me and tried to take me off of Jay, but Jay wouldn’t let go. The guy left and went after another girl. Jay said that that was not cool and the guy was drunk. Eeks! That was “lovely.”

Later on, we headed into the 18 and over room and danced in there. I had some guy that was 21 or over that came and started dancing with me. Again, his hands were all over me and I had to move his hands to “safer places” at times. I didn’t dance with him for too long though for Jay got onto one of the tabletops and started dancing, and then I joined him. Heh, I can’t believe I actually got up there in front of everyone and danced. And I wasn’t even drunk! It was fun though for people were watching us and everything. Jay was doing his little stripper moves and getting attention that way. Around 2 am, Rachel was feeling tired and sick so we left the club. On our way back to Hennepin to catch a taxi, we watched as a white Jeep Cherokee rammed into the side of a dark Audi. Ooh, the Audi driver was pissed! While waiting for a cap, we witnessed this gay guy in heels and a skirt get pushed down onto the street by some homophobe. Yeah…you have to “love” the cities. Our taxi driver was pretty interesting. He talked of how he wanted to be a rapper and be on American Idol. Every person that we passed by in the cab was giving the driver the finger because he wasn’t stopping. One person even yelled, “You bitch!” at him. The driver said to us in his Middle Eastern accent, “Can you believe that, she just called me a bitch. What’s with that?”

We arrived home around 3 in the morning and then headed to bed, weary from the nights happenings. And that concludes my first Halloween in the big cities.

Hobbits!

Hobbits used to inhabit Earth!

Sleepless in Minneapolis

I was so tired this morning and just did not want to get up and I’ve been feeling that way lately. I guess it doesn’t help having Emily as a roommate. Last night I was awoken around midnight by Emily’s pleas of distress. She was giving her mice some medicine for they were sick and I guess something bad happened for she yelled out, “Matt! I think my mouse is choking!” (Matt’s her boyfriend.) Matt was in her room on the computer and said, “Well, what’s it doing?”
Emily replied, “It just stopped breathing!” Then I listened in agony and Emily began to sob and cry. (Agony because I wanted sleep.) Hehe, it was kind of funny though, and I know I sound so mean, but it’s funny because Matt is not a very good comforter and all he could come up with to say to Emily was, “Oh baby, don’t cry…don’t freak out Emily.” So then Emily called up her Aunt…at midnight and right when her aunt answers the phone, Emily is bawling and cries out, “It’s Emily, can you help me!” Now…if someone were to call and wake me up at midnight and they’re crying and saying “Help me!” I’d fucking freak out! Emily continues on, “Something’s wrong with my mouse!”

Anyway, so I guess it got all cleared up. Her mouse started to act normal again and such I guess. Emily continued to sob a little and I heard Matt say, “Baby come here.”
“No.” said Emily. “Come here,” she whined.“Emily! I really have to get this done.” Said Matt. (He was doing homework on the comp.) Hehe, I just find it so funny…just how “comforting” Matt is.

Little Leeloo

I Went to Iowa this weekend and returned home with a kitten. For awhile now I’ve been wanting a kitten to pass the lonely nights here in Minneapolis. I just wanted something to play with, something to occupy my attention and get my mind on other matters than the people I left back in Iowa. Since a little girl, I’ve always been around cats, and I just love them, so I knew that if I were to get one, it’d make my life up here just a little nicer.

Six weeks ago, my mom’s 6-toed cat had kittens and I saw this as my opportunity. I wasn’t too optimistic about the idea though for my roommate used to be really allergic to cats and I already had asked about it before and my landlady and roommate and her parents did not seem too happy about the idea. But my landlady Ok’d it as long as it was ok with Emily (my roommate) and her family. Wow, that was quite the ordeal. Emily has tons of pets, most of them are arachnids, and she felt it only fair that I also get to have a pet. Her bf has a cat and she’s not allergic to it so she felt her allergies would be fine, but her parents were something else. They tried to convince her that the cat would sneak into her room and purposely knock over all her cages and such. Emily started to worry about every little thing and was going on these message boards and posting things like “Cats and Arachnids” and “Cats and Rats” and “How do I cat-proof my room?” It was humorous, but very annoying. She kept asking me things like, “What should I do with this, do you think the cat will get in this, should I move this here, what if I do this??” Agh!

But anyway, I have the kitten now. She’s brownish with stripes and a tortoise-shell-like back. Here and there she has a few orange spots and her two front paws have 5 toes. She’s just the cutest thing! When Emily’s brother saw her he said that she was the cutest cat he’s ever seen. (Oh, I love gloating about my new kitten J ) So far, she’s been such a great kitten. On the drive up from Iowa, she just slept in my lap the whole time. At one point, she curled up on the back of my neck and against the seat and slept for awhile. She’s been running around the house and swatting at invisible things. I keep her in my room at night and last night, she slept with me the whole night. I just LOVE to have a cat sleep with me in my bed, there’s just something so lovely about it.

As for a name? I have decided on Leeloo. Ever seen the movie Fifth Element? Leeloo is the orange-hair kick ass chick in the movie, and that’s also who I’m dressing up as for Halloween. : ) Tonight, Emily and I are going to go to Petsmart and have Leeloo model some collars for us and then we’ll get one of those and we’ll also get a tag made for her.
Ahh, she’s perched up on my shoulder and sleeping right now. I’m so happy.

Don't Take my Picture, it's Been a Bad Day

All of yesterday, I just felt that I did not want today to come. I just dreaded today, and I also dreaded the thought of having to work at Target today. Well, this morning I found out that Target was probably the least of my worries. As I got up and got ready for my first class, I noticed that my duplex keys and the keys to my bike lock were gone. I’ve misplaced them before so I wasn’t too worried, just slightly annoyed. As I made my rounds through the rooms and looked at the few places where I usually placed them, I began to get more and more worried as I couldn’t spy them. Long story short, I didn’t make it to my first class. I spent much of this morning trying to find them through the house. Usually I put them in the living room either on the couch or on the floor near the couch, so that’s where I spent the duration of my “looking time.” As I threw off the cushions of the couch, lifted up the rug and pulled the sofa out, I yelled out curses, as I just couldn’t find anything. I shoved my hands down the crevices of the couch and found nothing but crumbs and other oddities. I was really starting to give up hope. I just wanted to cry and scream and just plain bitch to no end. I wanted to throw a fucking fit. I checked over places three or four times, knowing that there was probably no hope of finding it there as I had already looked.
It was about my fifth time looking under the couch when I noticed a little flap of fabric that had been slightly ripped off at the side at the bottom of the couch, and I could see inside to the bottom of the couch. I placed my hand inside and felt around but felt nothing. Then I bounced my hand on it and heard the very satisfying sound of jangling keys. “Oh my fucking God!” I thought. I hastily tipped the couch up and shook it, again hearing the jangle of keys. I reached my hand inside felt my keys and pulled them out. I stared at them with such hatred and anger and shock and I threw them down on the floor as I said, “You fucking fuckers!”
Agh, well I missed one of my classes because of those stupid keys. At least I’m not missing my other one.
Stupid, fucking keys.

Holy Hell...

Last night was quite interesting… I had called some of my friends to joke with them about all the new things I was experiencing up here in the great city of Minneapolis. Reason that I was joking was because one of the things that I am now being surrounded by that I never had before is pot smoking. Last night one of Emily’s friends who’s a 40-year-old alcoholic came over and he brought some pot and opium with him. As Emily, and her few friends sat around the living room and smoked a bowl, I just looked on and laughed inside. I came to Minneapolis for a different experience, and what I got were potheads.
But last night was even more interesting as I was introduced to something totally new, something that I have never experienced before.
Before coming up here, I heard that this was a safe neighborhood and such. Well last night, just literally a couple blocks down the road, the street was blocked off and barricaded and there were police everywhere! I knew something was up, for when I came back home at 2 am from hanging out with Ian, the roads were still barricaded, police were still everywhere, and news stations with their camera crews were standing off to the side of all this.
My home page on Internet is one of the news stations up here and so I’ve been checking it to see what was going on. This is what happened.
There was a fucking shooting last night! I’ve never been remotely near where there had been a shoot-out, and to just have it a couple blocks away from me! It’s insane! Hehe, but I kind of laugh about it. I don’t know, it doesn’t really scare me. I just think it’s slightly funny for I came up here to experience something knew, and then just after about 2 months of being here, there’s a shooting that happens just down the street. So, I’ve experienced pot smokers and a shoot-out, what’s next? A rendezvous with a drag queen?

Cashier Chick

Tonight I will start my training as a Target cashier. I had my orientation last Friday which, as most orientations are, a bit boring. We - me and some other new employees - were led to a small room where paper bowls of candy were placed before us and we just watched corny and boring movies about working at Target and how to act with customers who have disabilities and what to do about harassment. The sexual harrassment video was funny. In one scene, it was at a hardware store and the male employee was trying to tell the female about something. "Look, " She said, "I don't want to hear it. I know it's sick and I don't want to hear it!"
"Oh come on." The guy said. "Don't you get it? HARDware?"
Hehe, just cheesy shit.
So anyway, I'm starting tonight. I'm going in at 5 and staying til 10. Blah, it's going to be a long night. Yeah, just have to learn all the cashier shiznit and whatnot I guess. I'm not really nervous, and that kind of scares me. I tend to get really nervous about doing new stuff like this, but when I'm not nervous, that means I tend to freak out when I'm put on the spot. Damn....

Stupid Target

Target’s starting to get on my nerves. When I interviewed, I pretty much knew that I had the job for the girl told me that they were in need of cashiers, so it was no surprise to me when I received a call in the time that they told me they would and said that I had gotten the job. The girl, Tara, asked if I’d be able to come in on the next Tuesday at 10 am, but I told her I couldn’t for I have class at that time. “Ok…well that’s when we have orientation so I’ll have to call you back about that.” About a week had passed and I received no call, so I called Target and asked for Tara. “She’s gone on maternity leave,” the Target operator informed me. “Ok…” I said, not sure of what to do. “Well, I’m supposed to start orientation for a cashier position.” So she connected me to a new girl named Sarah and she informed me that they also had orientations on Friday, but she wouldn’t be working the next two Fridays but she’d try to have someone work with me. She said she’d call me back. Well, it had been a week and she hadn’t called, so I called them…again. She told me I could start the next week on Friday and I told her I’d prefer starting at 10 am, rather than at noon – the two times that they did orientation. Sarah said “sure” and said she’d call before then to tell me what I needed to know. Well, I’m starting tomorrow and they hadn’t called by today, so I called them….AGAIN! They’re having me come in at noon, instead of 10, which pisses me off. Orientation is 3 hours and I’m going back to Iowa when I’m done. I wanted to get done sooner than 3:00! Oh well…hopefully things will eventually get better.

So I'm a trashy Iowan eh?

My friend Austin came up from Iowa to visit me this weekend. What a time that was. Austin is one of those people who you can only be around for so long, until he just really starts to get on your nerves. Austin’s really opinionated and though that makes for some good conversations, it can really start to piss you off.

It was Saturday night and I was driving back to my little duplex from the U of MN campus. I was listening to 96.3 and had the windows cracked. Now…I admit it, I do have a guilty pleasure, and its name is “Hip-Hop.” Some song came on that I liked and so I turned it up. I didn’t turn it up that loud mind you. Still, Austin turned it down and said, “That’s trashy Liz.” Austin thinks blasting hip-hop music is trashy. (Of course, if I were to have been blasting Cher, he would have been quite all right with that…)Now, maybe it's because I'm evil...but when something like this happens, I like to dig my nails into a persons skin and twist, especially with Austin. I had found a weakness, and I was going to act upon it. With a smug smile, I turned it up even louder and put the windows all the way down. Austin was disgusted and turned the radio off. I stared at Austin with the ugliest death glare that I could muster. “Don’t fucking do that again.” I threatened Austin as I turned the radio back on and had the music blasting through the open windows. All he could do was sit and try to hide his face.

Cats and Toilets??

In about six weeks, I'm going to be getting kitten from my mother, but that's besides the point.

Now, maybe I'm sick and such, but whatever. I just think that cats crapping in toilets is the funniest thing! And not just the idea of it, but to actually see it! Ok, I haven't actually seen a live demonstration of it, but I have seen pictures.

Check it out.

Another one.

This one tells you how to do it.

Even CNN got into it.

Stupid Iowan

I was at a stoplight the other day when I looked to my right and noticed a guy in an SUV next to me mouthing something to me. His window was up and I couldn’t hear him, but I thought that he was going to tell me something about my car, like maybe a tire was flat or something, for he seemed to be looking at my car as he mouthed words to me. I rolled down my window and he rolled down his. “Can I get your number? Can I have your number?” He asked me.
God, I’m so naïve.

Oops..goofed on last entry

I made a slight mistake on my last entry. I messed up on what I said about his text to me the next day. I am only fixing this because the "text" that I put down was bad enough, but what he really texted me was FAR worse.
The next day when Jake was texting me, he texted to me: "I wanted to fuck you so bad last night."

Uhh, I was so disgusted, it's just so blunt!

Sex creep

This weekend I was back down in Iowa and on Friday night, my friend Kristi and her boyfriend Josh had a little drinking party at their apartment. My friend and neighbor Jacob who’s a junior in high school wanted me to come over to his house for a bit before I headed to the little party and this other junior was there. His name was Jake. Jake’s a sleaze. He’s just a total nympho and will screw anything that walks and has a vagina. But as I like to flirt and have guys hit on me, I was being my little tease self. But hey, I’m all talk, I touch no one! Anyways, even before I got there, Jake had it in his head that we’d be having sex that night. I went over to Jacob’s and just invited them over to Kristi and Josh’s place. The whole night, Jake followed me around and such. I kept pushing him away if he so much as made a move and finally he asked, “So are we going to do anything tonight?” I knew what he meant by this question. “I have a boyfriend.” I replied. Later on while we were sitting on the couch and watching the Conan O’Brien dvd, Jake made the comment that he wished that I would break up with Jay.

That night I went home alone and went to bed around 2:30. At 3:00, I was woken up by my cell phone. Jake tried calling me twice but I just ignored him. He then texted me and said that he really need to talk to me and wanted me to come over to Jacobs, where he was staying the night. I just texted back to say that he should just text it to me for I wasn’t going to come over. Jake wrote that he really liked me a lot and that he wished that I felt the same way too.

The next day, Jake texted a few times again. He made this one comment that just sickened one…in one of the text messages he said, “I really thought we were going to fuck last night.” Ugh, so creepy! That night, Jake had said that he did like me for other reasons than sex, but with a comment like that, I wasn’t too sure he was telling the truth. So I asked, “If you like me for other reasons than sex, then why did you want to have sex with me last night?”
His reply…and I am not lying, was: “To get to know you better.”Ok Jake, you talk to someone to get to know them better, not have sex with them. Well, unless you want to find out what venereal diseases they have I guess.

"Romantic"

The prior entry got me thinking on another topic. Before my first relationship (with Jay) I would always imagine all the things that I could do for my bf. I just wanted to do little unique things that a lot of people didn’t do, like leaving funny poems or weird little gifts for him. I also thought of how I would love little things like that, but I knew that it would most likely not happen. I probably wouldn’t wake up to find little presents or maps that would send me on some sort of hunt. So, I knew that I would have to do it for my bf. But as I had no boyfriend, I could only imagine. Movies like Amelie inspired me. While watching it, oh how I craved that someone would do something for me like Amelie did for her love. And then I got Jay, and my creative mind was free to wander and create. I’ve done little things like leave poems with a funny edge under his car windshield wipers and such. I’ve also left weird gifts and notes for him at the video drop off at his job. For Valentines Day, I tried to do something different. I got him something like 6 different presents and put them into 6 separate Tupperware containers and put locks on them. There’s a bit more to the story…but…yeah… For his birthday presents, I made Jay answer some sort of question that related to me…things that he should know by that point in that relationship. Heehee, a sort of test. In May-June, Jay and I didn’t see each other for 6 weeks because I went to Seattle for a week and when I got back he was in Cancun, and then I left for Europe for three weeks. I knew I had to do something BIG since we wouldn’t be seeing each other for so long. I bought a fish bowl and glued an assortment of colored tissue paper on the inside to make it colorful and such. I went through tons of magazines and found words and phrases and pictures that reminded me of Jay, me, or of both of us. I also went through my journals and took out little quotes and stuff of what I used to think of Jay and of what of him at that point. All of this stuff I glued onto colorful tag board and on the back I made some comment about it, and then placed them into the fishbowl. When Jay got back from Cancun, there was a cardboard box waiting for him at the Video Place – where he works – with the bowl inside, and also instructions. For the whole time that I was gone, he was to pick out a few things from there every day. I just thought it a way to have him think of me every day. And Jay enjoyed it, and that was the purpose. Before I came up to Minnesota, I made a scrapbook for Jay and I. It’s just about our beginnings to where we are now, and I put a bunch of pictures in there with little side notes and journal entries and the like. It took Jay almost an hour to go through the whole thing.

Now, I am not the only one who does these little things. In the beginning of Jay and I, he commented that he just wasn’t the kind of person to think of something creative like that. But then Jay found out that I held a certain liking for gnomes. I love garden gnomes and had always wanted one before, but I felt that if I were to have one, I couldn’t just have one bought for me at Wal-Mart, it’d have to be stolen from someone’s yard. Then the gnome will have a funny story to go with it. One night, Jay and I learned of a gnome in a State Center yard and he went to go get it for me. It was a really nice – and heavy – stone gnome. Heehee, I can still remember seeing Jay run back to the car, straining under the weight of that gnome. Oh, I love that gnome! When Jay went to Colorado for a week, he came back and made me do this little hunt around his house to find these little plastic gnomes that he stole for me from some woman’s yard. The little adventure was so great, for it was like a story where these gnomes ran away from these enemies and I had to go rescue them from trees. So great! Also, when I returned to Europe, Jay had written a funny poem for me in which I was called the “little whore from Wales.”

My friend Rachel made the comment to me one time after learning of one of my little surprises for Jay. “I love your little romantic doings, it’s unique.” Yeah, I write poems and leave gifts for Jay, and he steals gnomes for me. Fucking romantic.

Utterly Flattered

There are certain songs out there that I just would love to have been the inspiration for, or at least had had the song written for me. I remember listening to this one song by the Flaming Lips in which they say, “Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face,” and I just said to my friend Rachel that I’d be so flattered if that song had been written for me. Looking back, I can remember making a few comments to Jay about it, but they were just purely comments, I was not hinting AT ALL. I never even dreamt that Jay would even think of writing a song for me, it just never crossed my mind. Even when I began to teach him guitar and he started strumming little things of his own.

When I saw Jay on Friday, he said that he had a surprise for me a little later on. Surprises from Jay have always been great, so I was dying to see what it would be. When we got to his house and went to his room, my guitar was laying on the bed with a piece of paper by it with a few written sentences on it. My first thought was that he was writing a song for me, but I didn’t think too seriously about it. But indeed, Jay had written a song for me! Well technically, he’s still in the process of writing it, but whatever. I just couldn’t believe he had actually felt compelled to write a song, and just because of me! It just amazes me. And the thing is, it’s his first song on guitar, and it was me that he had on his mind. The song’s about me being alone up in Minneapolis and he’s pretty much telling me that I’m not really ever alone and that it hurts him to know that I feel that way. Hehe, hope I’m not embarrassing him or anything…)

Not to sound corny or anything, but it was just the sweetest thing to hear him strum the tune and sing along to it. I love how the strumming sounds; the chords go really well together and it just sounds sweet and calming, almost like a modern lullaby or something. Kind of like “Goodbye and Farewell” by Smashing Pumpkins, only not quite so lullabyish.

Oh, I’m just so flattered by what Jay did, and I just had to write about it.

Iowa was none too kind

I have returned “home” from my journey home to Iowa. Oh I was the happiest girl in the world, and also the biggest dweeb, as I drove into my hometown of State Center. I had the biggest smile on my face and was giggling…pure dweeb. It just felt so good to be back in my little town of 2,000 people.

It was kind of weird to go back home. Already, it’s starting to not even feel quite like home. My room didn’t feel as inviting; it just felt so vacant and old. I didn’t like to see the bare spots where some of my possessions used to belong. Sleeping in my room was not the same either, something just didn’t feel right. But then again, when I took up my usual post at the kitchen island and began to watch some quality tv that I have missed for a week, it felt as though I had never left. Ah well.

During my stay, State Center has wronged me, and I just don’t understand why. I always speak highly of Iowa and of State Center, no matter how many other residents, as well as non-residents, put it down. I talked of how I could leave my car unlocked in the drive-way with my keys in the ignition and I’d never even have to worry. Well, this morning I get into my car to go down to Casey’s to get a couple o’ donuts. As I get in, I notice that my glove box is open and I find that strange for I hadn’t gotten into it. Then I look at the floor and see that the adapter to my cd player is just lying there, and there is no cd player. Also, my little “book” of cds wasn’t in my car. Someone stole my fucking cd player and cds! They got my fucking Franz Ferdinand and Modest Mouse!!!! Ooh, I was so pissed off! The cops were called but none were available and so…now I’m back in Minneapolis without a portable cd player and missing some of my beloved cds. Now I’m looking back on it and kind of laughing. I mean, it IS funny. I talked so highly of State Center and how it’s so safe and trusting there…and then my shit gets stolen out of my car. Yeah, it’s funny. It was probably one of the kids of a younger generation. I really am not liking what kids these days are turning into. Kids are just becoming worse and worse at a younger age and we just have these little hoodlums running around State Center breaking into and vandalizing shit. A couple kids this summer were breaking into concession stands and pop machines, and even into the library to steal money. Stupid kids….
But oh well, so my cd player and cds got stolen. It’s nothing that will stop me from living. Though State Center wasn’t the nicest to me this time, I’ll still be going back this Thursday night and staying until Monday. Oh yes, I want to go back already.

Country Roads Take Me Home

Just a side note…I really like that John Denver song. I just love singing out loud along with it. Onto other things though. Today I will be making my return back to my native land of Iowa. Yesterday while talking to my friend Austin, I made the comment that I was so glad to be coming home. “Iowa’s not your home anymore Liz.” Austin had said to me. Sure, I am living in a new place and so technically no, Iowa is not my home, but I think that no matter where I live, Iowa will always be home to me. I love Iowa. Go ahead, mock me. My friends think I’m joking when I say this and can’t believe it, but it’s true. I really do love the place. And I cannot wait to get back! Oh, when I see the Iowa sign, I’m going to be the happiest girl in the world, and oh when I drive down Main Street in State Center, I’ll be full of bliss. I can’t wait to go on a walk through State Center with Jay tonight. It’ll be great.

Now don’t get me wrong, I really do like Minneapolis. But I’m still going through that adjustment period. It’s a new chapter of my life and it’s hard. I’m sure that within a week or two, I’ll be pretty well adjusted and hopefully by then I’ll have made some friends. (All I want are friends!!!!)
So, headed off to Iowa in a couple o’ hours. Back to the fields of corn! Oh boy, I can’t wait. (Let’s go tip some cows!)

Moody Weather

I was having this discussion with my brother last week about the weather and how it affects your mood. (Or maybe if your mood affects the weather.) I'm just kind of curious if anyone else feels the same as I do or is affected by weather like I am.

I never used to think that weather could have such an impact on me, so much to the point that it could really determine how I felt about a certain day. It wasn't until recently that I began to realize this. I've noticed that overcast days and rainy days tend to make me...not exactly depressed, but just not as motivated and as cheerful. I mean, I could have just this great day where everything went really well, but if it happened to rain that day or just be overcast and such, and I'm looking back on it, I just have a weird feeling about the day. But if it were to have been sunny and such, the day is still fresh and great in my mind.

I just love sunny days when the sun is shining brightly and the colors of the flowers and leaves are bright and beaming. Those are the days that make me the happiest.

After I told Ian about this, he said that sometimes he felt that his mood affected the weather. In talking to Jay last night, he commented that it's done nothing but rain ever since I left State Center. Well dur, that's because everyone's so sad that I left!

Feelin' Betta'

I'm feeling a little more chipper since yesterday. No more pity for me! I had a few good conversations with Jay which lifted my spirits and I just don't feel quite as weighted down anymore.

So what did I do today? Well, I went to class. I had general psychology and european history today. Psychology is interesting, but all we're doing is taking a lot of notes and it's just kind of boring. European history is not too exciting either, I find myself zoning off quite a bit in that class. After classes today, I headed down to Nicolet (sp?) Mall to get my drug test taken today. That was "fun." After that I went grocery shopping and stocked up on some lean cuisine. Yeah, I was getting some lean cuisine and there was this 5 cheese lasangna one that I REALLY wanted but it was too high and too far back for me to reach. Hehe, I ended up having to ask someone else to get it for me. Ahh, the joys of being short. Don't know what I'm going to do tonight, don't have any plans. (of course I don't) Just going to do my wee bit o' homework and play with the rats I guess. Blah....

Target Chick

Another task has been done. One major thing I needed to do in moving up here was getting a job, and I think I have one secured for me. Today I ventured over to Target and filled out an application on this computer that took super long. It was also super annoying…and a super bit dumb. (Super eh?) It took around a half hour to do, and that was annoying enough, but then at the end of it, it asked you 60 questions about yourself. The questions consisted of asking how positive you were and things like that. One question asked, “How do you feel about your life right now? Great, Okay, Can’t Cope.” Hmm, now let me think about how I should answer that, I mean…who would answer can’t cope?! They were all just the kind of questions where you wouldn’t always answer truthfully, but instead you’d pick the answer that you knew they’d want to hear. So then I had a couple interviews and it sounds like I’ll be getting the job. The only thing I need to do is pass the drug test, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to do that. (Hopefully all the pot fumes floating through this house don’t alter my results!)
So, I’ll be a Target Cashier girl. It’s a job I’d never thought I’d have, and never really cared to have. I get nervous around people and if I screw something up, I know I’ll get all embarrassed and red in the face and such. But oh well, I need the money. I’ll embarrass myself for a little cool cash. Oh and hey, I get a 10% discount. Yeah, eat it!

Alone and Down in Minneapolis

The beginning is always the hardest part. This is something that I have learned from my various experiences in life. When entering into any new chapter of your life, the beginning will always be the hardest part, the part that you have to work through, and then it’ll get better from there on. So in moving to Minneapolis, I knew that my first few days would most likely be my worst. Well, it hasn’t gotten any better, in fact, it’s only gotten worse. Before, it was a little easier to push the stressors away, to not think of who I had left and of what I had left. But now it’s all rushing at me and weighing heavily on my shoulders. I try to think of the positives, but it just doesn’t seem to help.

Though I hate to say this, Jay – my bf – is one of the main reasons that I’m feeling so down. It’s not because I fear that in our time apart we’ll lose feelings for one another or anything, definitely not. We’ve found that time apart from each other – like the 6 weeks when I went to Europe and Seattle and he to Cancun – our feelings only grew stronger. The thing is, we just don’t get to see each other as often as we used to, and we’re not really a phone couple, it just doesn’t quite work for us. Jay and I have both talked and we have both acknowledged that we know that everything will be ok for us, for we don’t need to see each other to still have feelings. It just hurts us both to not be able to see one another as often as we’d both like. And I hate waiting around and wondering if Jay will call, and I hate calling him for I feel like I do it too much and I’m pestering him. But other than Jay, I’m just feeling alone in this big city. I left everything and I have to start over entirely. I mean, I come home to my empty duplex and just sit around in hopes that maybe the phone will ring or someone will text me or maybe even e-mail me. But even if this does happen, it’s a happiness that only lasts for a short while, then I’m sitting around alone again and waiting for the next moment to come, to take me away from where I’m at right now. I thought that maybe school would help, but it hasn’t thus far. Granted, it is only the second day. I haven’t really talked to anyone – it being only the 2nd day and all – and so I still come back to an empty duplex and sit around again. I’m jus not enjoying life right now, but I know it’ll get better and I’m just waiting for that to happen. Of course, I can’t just sit around and wait for it to happen. I’ll start applying for a few jobs tonight and when a job starts, that will be something else to occupy my time and hopefully get my mind on other things.

I’m going home this Friday and coming back Sunday. I just can’t wait for Friday to come, to go back home to see my friend Rachel, and to spend some time with Jay. In talking to Jay last night, I found out that he’s slightly dreading my coming. It’s not because he doesn’t want to see me, he assured me that he DOES want to see me, but he knows it’s going to painful to see me leave. When he left Minneapolis from his visit here to see me, we were both crying. Jay knows that when I leave, it will probably be painful and it’s just something he doesn’t want to go through again. But you have to face reality, and the reality is that this is what we have to do. Our time that we spend together will consist of these brief meetings. It’s just something we have to deal with, though it’s painful as hell. But I told Jay to be positive about it. Though it’s painful, we will be seeing each other, and that’s all that really matters.
Uhh, love sucks!

Oh Boy...

It is just now starting to hit me that I really, and truly am living in Minneapolis. It's just so hard to get used to. I mean, I moved here from a little town in Iowa called State Center which has a population of around a whopping two thousand people. There are no stoplights in this town and hardly anyone pays attention to the stop signs there. I'd go for daily walks in my town and every person I saw I either knew or recognized. In State Center, I would leave my car unlocked in the drive-way with my keys in the ignition. Here, my brother told me that it's not a bad idea to take the seat off my bike when I lock it up. Oh, I just feel so naive here! When I take my daily walk, I feel as though I have a neon sign above my head that says: "I'm from Iowa! Mock me!" It wasn't until my boyfriend Jay came up that I actually began to feel as though I were a part of the city. With him, I had more confidence to actually venture out into the city and try to find out where some interesting spots were. With Jay, and directions from my brother, we found Sculpture Park and we went to the free Como Zoo. I've also found out where a local grocery store and Target are...plus I know how to get to the Rosedale Mall. But as I'm strapped for cash at the moment and in need of a job, I don't think I'll be taking a trip to the latter place for a wee bit.

Minneapolis/St. Paul is huge! I've never been put in a situation like this before, where I was just pretty much alone. Sure, I have Ian, but I can't rely on him for everything. He can't hold my hand as I venture through this city. Though it'll be hard, it's something I'll have to do on my own.

Classes start tomorrow. I'm slighly nervous about classes, which is understandable. It's my first day at college and all. But on the flip side, I'm also relieved to have classes start. It will give me something to do, set me in some sort of routine, and I'll have the chance to actually meet some people. I just need to do something to get my mind off of the people and things I left back home. I mean, it was just so painful to have Jay leave me last night. Heh, I never knew I could break down so much for just one person...

So thought it'll be hard and I'll have to step outside of my comfort zone from time to time, I know it's nothing that I can't handle. Minneapolis, here I come!

Coming up, Coming up, Coming up up up!

So I’ll be up in St. Paul quite soon and let me tell you, I’m quite looking forward to it. I always love being up in that city. I remember this past summer I was having a hard time figuring out if I wanted to go to U of IA or to U of MN. While up in St. Paul last August shopping for a dress, I just felt this longing for the city and I felt that I just had to live there. And then I realized that I probably wouldn’t live there unless I was going to college there. My mind had been made up. Besides, I just had this underlying feeling that if I were to go to Iowa, I’d be missing out on so much that I’d experience, see, and feel in St. Paul. Hopefully my underlying feelings prove true. It’s weird, just the thought that I’ll be living up there in four months or so. I mean, I always knew I’d be moving up there, but it didn’t really hit me until last night. I’m quitting my job at the Story County Hospital and was writing my Two Weeks Notice last night. I was staying my reason for quitting and put: “I’m graduating and will be moving to Minnesota.” Right then I just thought, “Wow, I’m actually moving to a different state and there will be this new place that I will call my home.” It’s just strange and it doesn’t actually feel like it’s happening. It seems that before my future was pretty clear, but now I just can’t see anything. It’s just that everything is so open and new and I just don’t know what to expect. But hopefully that’s a good thing.

And Greg...hope you're happy that I finally posted again...

Writing with Nothing at all to say

I know, I know…shame on me for I have not been keeping up in my writing. I’ve been a little procrastinator lately and nothing seems to sound fun. And then when I get nothing accomplished, I hate myself for it. It seems that I can’t win. So what have I done lately? Nothing too big. I went grocery shopping with Jay last night, which was kind of fun. I felt slightly uncomfortable though. I just don’t like the feeling I get when I'm pushing the cart around and such. It just makes me feel like a grown-up or something and I don’t know, I just feel too young to be pushing a cart around. Whatever. Umm, what else…Jenell was back in town so of course, we had to go terrorize the town at 1:30 a.m. But…no great stories there. Well, we did find this weird guy who kept driving around and around his block at 1:30 a.m. We thought that was slightly strange. On Sunday, the weather was nice and so we decided to bike around. Small problem though: Jenell didn’t have a bike. So, we had to double ride on mine. Hehe, we just double rode all around the town and just couldn’t stop laughing as we did so. I mean, there’s nothing better than being an 18-year-old and still double-riding a bike. We kept getting looks from some older guys in the town and that kind of bothered me. I just imagined them looking at us in a perverse kind of way. Oh well.