Hmm...

Well, I guess I'm feeling better already, but only to an extent. I'm still confused and still don't know what to do. This is just overwhelming and I just feel so stuck.

I talked to Jay last night on the phone. Of course, he was in one of his moods, which he always seems to be in, or at least when he's around me lately...that sucks. Thing with Jay, it's hard for him to talk about what's bothering him and so when he did finally get shit out and talks about it, he talks about it once and then it's done with. I'm not that way. I always bring stuff up after it's happened just because I want a clear and precise idea of what's happening and how we're feeling. Last night when I tried to bring it up, Jay was pretty much just like, "Why are you bringing this up?" I asked him if he did just want to kind of forget it and start over and he said "Yes." Also, I asked if we just dropped the whole moving in thing would everything be fine and again he replied, "Yes." But just the way he talked...I just don't feel too comforted. Jay has never liked talking on the phone, but things just seem to be changing. I don't know if there are reasons for this besides what was discussed the other night, or maybe if it truly is that he's worried about getting too serious and so that's just effecting everything right now. I mean, before when I'd be up here and we wouldn't talk for awhile, he'd actually call me during the day just to talk, and he hates talking on the phone! I'm g0ing on my third week up here, the longest I've been up here without going home or having someone come to visit, and he just hasn't called. If I'm to call him, he doesn't get excited or really engage in conversation. But then again, he never really just talks to people on the phone anyways. It's just short little things.

I just don't know what to think, and I hate this but I know I won't really know what's going on until I go home. Until then I just have to wait. I'm not sure what's going to happen, and that frightens me. I'm just left alone with my thoughts and my brain is about to explode with all the shit I'm thinking of. I think of what it would be like to be single again, or just take a slight break from Jay. I'm thinking of what would happen if we just dropped the serious stuff and I stayed up in Minnesota or went to some other state or even out of the country and we just let it go and see what happened; just see if we still love one another and still want to stay together. This idea does excite me. I'd love to go live abroad and go to some college in England or somewhere, just try something totally new. I'm young and this would be a good time to do such a thing before I have to settle down with a job. Only thing...money! But then again, I think of all the times that Jay and I have had and it'd be so hard to just kind of put some of that stuff aside, even if we are still together.
I can really relate to some things I've seen Josh say on his blog about the whole "I love you" thing. Whenever I'd hear of people my age saying they were in love, I never believed it and thought them too young. And I always felt that I'd never be comfortable enough to say it, and that it'd take me a VERY long time to reach that comfortable level. As my family can tell you, as can my friends and such, I'm not a close person and don't really like to be touched. I don't like sharing my feelings or having people show their feelings for me. When I'm flirting, it's fine but when things start to get serious, I always get uncomfortable. And then Jay came along. After being with him for awhile, I found myself actually wanting to hear him say "I love you" and when he did, it was just such a rush, and I never felt weird about it! And then I finally felt it and said it to, and I didn't feel uncomfortable. I've just said, felt and done so many things with him that I could have never believed I could say, feel and do. To leave that or put it on hold? Fuck. I don't know how.
But I really can't make any decisions yet as I haven't been home yet. I'm kind of scared to go home. Scared that Jay won't be able to find it within himself to care for me like he used to. I'm scared he won't want to hug or kiss me. I hate this shit. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Actually it's not. 2nd to worse thing.