Reality Bites

I didn't speak to Jay all weekend for he had gone down to Iowa City to visit a friend and party. Last night while working at Target, I received a text from him that said, "Wow, no texts this weekend, is something wrong?"
Anyway I talked to Jay last night and brought up our little situation. As I figured, he protested talking about it. He's one of those types who when they talk about something once, then they're done with it. He just didn't want to discuss it, but I wouldn't let him go. "Jay, I'm confused and I don't know what's going on!" I pleaded with him. Jay threatened to hang up, but didn't. He never does actually do it. He started to go on about how he didn't like talking about it because he didn't have answers to my questions. He doesn't know why he's feelings this way and it hurts him to not know why and to not be able to answer my questions. I was talking to Jay on the way home from work and as I pulled into my drive-way I asked Jay, "Are you crying?"
"Yes." He replied. Yeah..so that got me crying of course. I was hurt by the fact that Jay has lost feelings for me for apparently no reason and he was crying because he couldn't explain why he was feeling this way and he hated hurting me like this.
But, it was not all tears though. I started cracking jokes, while we were crying : ), and was just kind of making a mockery of some of the thigns that were happening and such. I also started to go on like: "C'mon Jay, is it really that hard to love me?!" I began to name off various things that we had done together and brought up things that I had done for him; like all of my creative gifts I've given him. All of this made him laugh through his tears and at one point he jokingly said, "Stop being so cheeky!" I loved hearing this for in that one ill-fated conversation the other night he had stated that "..things aren't like what they used to be; things aren't cheeky like they used to be.." I started to talk about our options of what we could do. I told him that if it were up to me I wouldn't break up because I still love him and my feelings haven't changed, but the decision was ultimately up to him. If things weren't quite right with him, then it wouldn't work. With pain in his voice, Jay made the decision that it might be best for us to take a break. This got me crying again, which got Jay crying again. At one point he jokingly said, "You made me cry twice tonight!" (I love when Jay cries, I love to see a guy showing his emotions)
It was definitely hard to fully realize what was about to happen, and it sucked. But it definitely wasn't as painful as the other night. Jay told me that he was pretty sure that if we were to have stayed together then it would have ended in a bad break-up for we both would have just been so stressed out with what was going on. He feels that the break is a good chance to have the "spark" come back. He feels that we need to both take a step back and do what we feel we must and want to do in terms of our future. That being said, he plans on moving to Colorado next fall. I was speechless when he told me that, but not really surprised. I felt that I might have been holding him back from doing that.
But things have ended well. I know Jay is definitely doing this with us in mind. I feel that lately our relationship has gotten stressful with Jay focused more on his educational future than anything else. And then there were my fears with him not being totally focused on us which caused more stress. I mean, last night was very stress free after we got things settled and we had such a great, fun, and funny conversation. I think this really will do us some good.
But of course, I do fear that Jay won't come back to me, that his feelings for me will never come back, and that sucks. I hate knowing that when we're together, he won't be reaching out to hold me or kiss me. I hate knowing that I won't be sleeping in his bed with him at night. It sucks. But if there's a chance that Jay and I could get back together, I'm for it.
I guess I'll see what happens...Maybe Abel will be happy. I know Tyler is...you sick bastard! :)