I'm Dying Right Now...

Quite the title eh? Well, I don’t really know how else to describe how I’m feeling right now. Fuck, how to even start this. Ok…I’ve been having some fears about Jay and I lately, but I just assumed that they were my normal insecurities trying to get the better of me and as I’m going home next weekend I thought I’d just wait it out. Why the fears? Well last time I was home I noticed that Jay wasn’t being as close to me as he usually was and he didn’t seem to want to go out and do as much with me as usual. Also, he kept getting bothered by doing things with me that he thought were becoming routine, but I can understand that. Routine sucks, it kind of takes the feelings away after time. But I just hoped that it was a phase and that he’d snap out of it. I mean, that happened, but then Jay would pull me to him and hold me and kiss me and show me how much he cares like he always does. But still, it bothered me. So yeah, lately I’ve just been feeling all this fear and have been thinking about breaking up a lot recently. It’s not that I want to, but I feared it was going to happen, of course I pushed this to the side, thinking it just a silly worry. The other night I had a dream that Matt and Emily broke up, but all the next day I felt that it was more geared towards Jay and I.
Then last night came…Jay and I were chatting online like usual, and we were just having one of our normal conversations when suddenly Jay asked, “Can we have a serious talk?” My heart started to pound and I began to get very nervous. I asked if it was something bad but Jay assured me that it wasn’t. Well, it ended up being bad, but truthfully, I don’t think Jay expected it to go where it did. The first thing that Jay said that he was getting scared because he felt we were getting too serious and it frightened him that I wanted to move out to Colorado with him. I understand him getting scared cause it’s going to fast, but he was the one who asked me to go out to Colorado with him and the idea excited me. Well, last night Jay told me that it made him cringe to think that he had asked me that. Do you know how painful that is?! That’s a fucking stab in the heart to have him say that! But it gets worse. Jay went on to say about how things are just the same between us and nothing is happening; that we’re running out of things to do. He also talked about how he has been feeling weird around me lately and that’s why he wasn’t as close last time. He said he couldn’t explain why he was feeling this way and that it was killing him to feel that way. I asked him if he was suggesting we break up but he said he didn’t want that. Jay talked of how we’ve been fighting and bickering more lately, and I told him it was because of the way he had been acting and how since it got me confused and such, I began to question him about it, and Jay hates being questioned about things. I don’t know if he felt threatened or scared or whatever, but a fight would just break out.
I was definitely crying at this point. Why lie, I’m crying now. I wasn’t the only one crying though. Jay admitted he couldn’t see straight cause of his crying and that it was killing him too.
It continues. I asked Jay if he loved me, which he responded yes to. But when I asked if he was in love with me, his reply was, “I dunno.” How the hell do I respond to that, and how the fuck am I suppsed to feel after seeing that? It fucking kills! I mean, this is my worst fucking fear; the fear that I’d still have the same feelings for someone, but their feelings would lessen. You can change behaviors and such that bother people, but feelings are a lot harder to change.
At one point Jay suggested that maybe we should take a break, because then maybe the spark would come back. This only made me cry harder and I told Jay that I wouldn’t be able to do that. I’d still long to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. My feelings haven’t changed and I just can’t stop loving him and showing him that I do! After I told Jay this, he thought about it and then decided that that wasn’t the best idea for he’d feel the same. He apologized to me for being an asshole last time I was home and for getting angry and for his feelings that he’s been having. He commented about how tonight sucked. I asked him if he dreaded my coming home next weekend and he said no. When asked what he thought about it, he said “It’ll be like it always is. It’ll be good to see you.”
Jay began to talk about how he just wanted to start over. He didn’t want to break up with me, he couldn’t do it. He said, “I just want to forget this conversation ever happened and start over, though I know it’ll be easier for me to do that than you.” So he wants to continue with us, but just not get so serious. But when I asked him, the only serious thing between us is the moving in together thing, nothing else is bothering him.
Oh I just don’t know. Last night was just so painful, as is today. And I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain; it’s really hard for Jay to talk about how he’s feeling, but it also killed him because he knew how much I cared for him. Emotionally, Jay has been my first for everything. I’ve just never felt comfortable about liking a guy, until Jay came along. He’s the only person that I never felt uncomfortable around! And the thing is, I have such a hard time with expressing my feelings, I mean Jay is the only person who I could actually say out loud to, “I love you.” Fuck, he’s the only person I could write to and say that, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else, it just makes me uncomfortable! I’ve given him so much in this relationship, just so much of me, and he’s done the same to me. I can’t lose this. This is fucking killing me.
I mean, do you know how it feels to be 4 hours away from the person you love and have this going on? Do you know how it feels to have this going on, knowing that you won’t see this person for another week? I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I just don’t fucking know. The only logical thing to do it seems is cry, and I’ve done plenty of that. When this started last night, I texted my roommate Emily and had her come back home from her bf’s last night. She came into my room and hugged me and sat with me as I cried and continued my chat with Jay. That really meant a lot to have her do that. I was texting my friend Rachel about this, but there wasn’t much she could do. She just said she wished so bad she could be with me and that she felt awful.
I couldn’t stop crying last night. I woke up this morning and felt so confused. It just didn’t seem real and how I wished it was only a dream. But it wasn’t, and I was soon crying again. And here I am, still crying. I still have the whole day to live out; I still have classes and work tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to keep from breaking down. I just don’t know what to do.