Alone and Down in Minneapolis

The beginning is always the hardest part. This is something that I have learned from my various experiences in life. When entering into any new chapter of your life, the beginning will always be the hardest part, the part that you have to work through, and then it’ll get better from there on. So in moving to Minneapolis, I knew that my first few days would most likely be my worst. Well, it hasn’t gotten any better, in fact, it’s only gotten worse. Before, it was a little easier to push the stressors away, to not think of who I had left and of what I had left. But now it’s all rushing at me and weighing heavily on my shoulders. I try to think of the positives, but it just doesn’t seem to help.

Though I hate to say this, Jay – my bf – is one of the main reasons that I’m feeling so down. It’s not because I fear that in our time apart we’ll lose feelings for one another or anything, definitely not. We’ve found that time apart from each other – like the 6 weeks when I went to Europe and Seattle and he to Cancun – our feelings only grew stronger. The thing is, we just don’t get to see each other as often as we used to, and we’re not really a phone couple, it just doesn’t quite work for us. Jay and I have both talked and we have both acknowledged that we know that everything will be ok for us, for we don’t need to see each other to still have feelings. It just hurts us both to not be able to see one another as often as we’d both like. And I hate waiting around and wondering if Jay will call, and I hate calling him for I feel like I do it too much and I’m pestering him. But other than Jay, I’m just feeling alone in this big city. I left everything and I have to start over entirely. I mean, I come home to my empty duplex and just sit around in hopes that maybe the phone will ring or someone will text me or maybe even e-mail me. But even if this does happen, it’s a happiness that only lasts for a short while, then I’m sitting around alone again and waiting for the next moment to come, to take me away from where I’m at right now. I thought that maybe school would help, but it hasn’t thus far. Granted, it is only the second day. I haven’t really talked to anyone – it being only the 2nd day and all – and so I still come back to an empty duplex and sit around again. I’m jus not enjoying life right now, but I know it’ll get better and I’m just waiting for that to happen. Of course, I can’t just sit around and wait for it to happen. I’ll start applying for a few jobs tonight and when a job starts, that will be something else to occupy my time and hopefully get my mind on other things.

I’m going home this Friday and coming back Sunday. I just can’t wait for Friday to come, to go back home to see my friend Rachel, and to spend some time with Jay. In talking to Jay last night, I found out that he’s slightly dreading my coming. It’s not because he doesn’t want to see me, he assured me that he DOES want to see me, but he knows it’s going to painful to see me leave. When he left Minneapolis from his visit here to see me, we were both crying. Jay knows that when I leave, it will probably be painful and it’s just something he doesn’t want to go through again. But you have to face reality, and the reality is that this is what we have to do. Our time that we spend together will consist of these brief meetings. It’s just something we have to deal with, though it’s painful as hell. But I told Jay to be positive about it. Though it’s painful, we will be seeing each other, and that’s all that really matters.
Uhh, love sucks!