Oh boy, the unthinkable has happened. I've met a boy who has got some potential for a relationship. Strange. Though, I am not about to rush into anything.
Anyways...I went down to Iowa this weekend and spent most of my time at ISU. Friday night was the first night I was there. I had my rum and coke and Rachel and I set off to roam around the floors in search of boys. We headed to her "lovers" room where a group of people were. Earlier in the evening she told me I should meet Ryan's (her lover) friend Steve. When we entered the room, I saw a boy in a hat sitting on a couch and he was someone I had not met yet. At some point, Rachel pointed out that that was Steve. I was immediately interested cause he was new and I noticed him looking at me and of course, I found that flattering. Later on in Rachel's room, there were these two guys up there just oogling over our "friend" Amanda and I was getting sick of it and told Rachel that we needed some attention. She called up Ryan and Ryan and Steve showed up. Well, since I was slightly intoxicated, I decided to flirt in my own drunk fashion. I just started standing closer and closer to Steve and then started to kind of lean on him. When he started to put his arm around me, I knew I had him. Jesus, I'm smooth aren't I? Steve and I didn't really talk that night. We just sat together on a chair in Rachel's room and flirted. Tyler was sitting next to us and staring at us. At one point he took Steve's hand off of me and said, "You can not touch her!" Heehee, it was funny. But the funniest part was when Tyler left and he goes, "Liz, I do not approve of this!" Classic. Anyway, Steve stayed with me that night in Rachel's room in her roommates bed. We hardly got any sleep cause we just kept talking and saying stupid shit. I kept belittling him and was being mean in my sarcastic way, but he loved it and even played along with it, which is so attractive to me. Heehee, the funniest part of the night...I was beginning to fall asleep and I was in this like "half-dream." I was dreaming that Steve and I were talking about the Grammy's or some other award show and that we were talking about the male host. All of a sudden, I wake up and go, "But who's the female host?" Steve looked at me strangely and asked, "What?" Wow, that's the first time I've ever done that and I felt like the biggest moron.
The next morning we exchanged numbers and decided I'd come back into ISU that night, even though Rachel wouldn't be around. That day I worried that Steve would become uninterested, and later found out that Steve worried about the same thing. But that night, I headed back over and we hung out in the dorms again and again, I got a little intoxicated. Oh wait, I got really intoxicated. I was falling down/laughing insanely drunk. That was fun. That night we stayed in his room and I got to meet his roommate. For lunch/breakfast, we met up with his super-cool friend Markus and headed out to Perkins. Steve came into State Center with me for the day and he met my gay friend Jacob who now deems Steve as the anti-christ; the most beautiful man in the world. And I quote Jacob, "Tell Steve not to shake my hand again, it's just too much physical contact!" Oh boy...Again that night, I headed back to ISU and got insanely drunk. I made out with Rachel and gave her a black hickey on her neck where anyone could see. I was quite proud. Poor Tyler who wanted nothing but to see Rachel and I make-out was not there to witness the spectacle. Haha, pobre Tyler.
I didn't leave Iowa til Tuesday night and needless to say, I spent the majority of my time with Steve. It sucked to leave him; I could tell he was sad to see me go, but it's awesome to know that there's someone that likes you that much. We've been chatting online a lot and calling when we feel like it. He called and woke me up at 1:30 last night cause I told him I like being woken up like that and we talked for an hour. It was lovely. He's already told his "mum" about me and has asked me to come down to Nebraska for a couple o' days with him over Spring Break. I just may have to do that. : )
Oh, the things I do.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Let's Do This Over...
Ok, scrap the idea that guys who are 25 should stay away from me and let's pen this: EVERY guy should stay away from me. Seriously, I'm like a disease.
I am the girl that guys hate to love.
Would you like to see my laundry list of guys who have been won over by the so-called "Charm of Liz"? Well, I'm not going to put it up.
You know, it has to be the pheramones. That's it. I have fucking deadly pheramones. I'm cynical and very mean in the way I talk. I'm an asshole. I tease relentlessly. Yet guys still cling to me. I don't get it.
I'm lethal. I really should be banned from society.
Heh, this is funny.
I am the girl that guys hate to love.
Would you like to see my laundry list of guys who have been won over by the so-called "Charm of Liz"? Well, I'm not going to put it up.
You know, it has to be the pheramones. That's it. I have fucking deadly pheramones. I'm cynical and very mean in the way I talk. I'm an asshole. I tease relentlessly. Yet guys still cling to me. I don't get it.
I'm lethal. I really should be banned from society.
Heh, this is funny.
Bruised
I have realized something.... 25-year-old boys are a bad idea. Very...very bad. I really should stay away from them. No wait, THEY should stay away from me. Yes, that's how it should go.
Heehee, I make it sound like something really bad happened, when really it didn't.
Heehee, I make it sound like something really bad happened, when really it didn't.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Ooh, Lovely Rum
I must admit, as I'm writing this, I am a bit buzzed. : ) Heehee, I like my rum.
I'm at the ISU dorms right now in Rachel's room. The past couple of nights have been great. I met this guy named Steve on Friday night and then unthinkable has happened, I have met a guy that I really like, and...he really likes me too. : ) He stayed overnight with me in Rachel's room friday night and I headed over to ISU to see him last night. I spent all of last night with him and all day today with him too. Heehee, he's just a Nebraskan farm boy, someone I never could have seen myself with.
Oh, being single is such fun. Tonight will only get better too.
I'm at the ISU dorms right now in Rachel's room. The past couple of nights have been great. I met this guy named Steve on Friday night and then unthinkable has happened, I have met a guy that I really like, and...he really likes me too. : ) He stayed overnight with me in Rachel's room friday night and I headed over to ISU to see him last night. I spent all of last night with him and all day today with him too. Heehee, he's just a Nebraskan farm boy, someone I never could have seen myself with.
Oh, being single is such fun. Tonight will only get better too.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Liz Strikes Again!
Jerry, Julio, Jeff, Ryan, and now Ross...all these guys I'm meeting! Ross is the latest though, but he's the one I've known longest.
Ross is also a cashier at Target. We started talking probably back in November to December one night while we were working stray (putting stuff back after people put it in an odd place or decided they didn't want it) and I just started being my little sarcastic self with him. Since then, anytime we've talked, it's always been a sarcastic conversation. Never once did we have a conversation where we asked about one another or anything like that. I mean, before last night, I had no idea where he was from, how old he was, or what he was doing with his life. And the same is true for him of me.
Just recently I've been my mean sarcastic self around him; I've just been verbally attacking him in a joking way with a straight face. He made a comment to me one night, "You know, you REALLY know how to push my buttons. I had to bite my tongue at times!" I responded, "Yeah, I'm just sarcastic." But then he said back, "No, that's not sarcasm. You're straight faced and you sound so serious!" After that, Ross began to also attack me verbally and he was quite good at it as he was even able to press my buttons!
Last Sunday I was talking to him and made some comment about how I didn't have a TV. Ross then said that I should come over and watch TV with him sometime. He sounded serious but as there was no other talk about it, I didn't really think too much of it. On Friday, I headed into Target to drop off some papers and found Ross to be in the employee area. He said,"Hey, you haven't come over to watch TV!" I responded, "Well, you haven't invited me." Ross asked if I worked Saturday night, to which I responded "Yes" and told me to call him when I got off of work and that I could come over. Tyler was with me when this happened and told me he didn't think Ross was flirting while I was a bit confused whether he was or not. Ross is the kind of guy that can talk to anyone so it's hard to say whether he's flirting or not. I had also heard he had a gf. But then I thought, well he knows I'll get out late on Saturday but he still wants me to come hang out... Yeah, so pretty much, I just really didn't know what to expect last night. And again, I didn't know anything about him. Ross hit me off as kind of a "Good Guy" and Tyler got the same impression. But last night, I found that wasn't true.
I headed to his place in Dinkytown and got there around 1 am. I found out that he was 25 and he thought that I was 21 or 22. Hehe, I'm only 18 Ross... Ross started talking about drinking and pot smoking (when he was young) and he was just making these comments that just really surprised me! I mean, with a lot of stuff he was saying he was being sarcastic and such, but still, I could see that he wasn't as good as I thought he was. Ross asked if I drank and we ended up having some glasses of Rum and coke, which is now my new favorite drink. We talked and talked and got to know one another. He was mighty surprised to find out I had never smoked pot. As I thought he was more of a "good boy", he assumed I was more of a "bad girl." Oh, and I also found out that he didn't have a gf and the big thing I found out...he has a big crush on me that started in about December when I started to talk to him in my mean sarcastic way. So yeah...big revelation there!
Again, like some other nights spent with Jerry, I hardly got any sleep. We just stayed up the entire night pretty much. And it was fun. And that's all I'll say. : )
Ross is also a cashier at Target. We started talking probably back in November to December one night while we were working stray (putting stuff back after people put it in an odd place or decided they didn't want it) and I just started being my little sarcastic self with him. Since then, anytime we've talked, it's always been a sarcastic conversation. Never once did we have a conversation where we asked about one another or anything like that. I mean, before last night, I had no idea where he was from, how old he was, or what he was doing with his life. And the same is true for him of me.
Just recently I've been my mean sarcastic self around him; I've just been verbally attacking him in a joking way with a straight face. He made a comment to me one night, "You know, you REALLY know how to push my buttons. I had to bite my tongue at times!" I responded, "Yeah, I'm just sarcastic." But then he said back, "No, that's not sarcasm. You're straight faced and you sound so serious!" After that, Ross began to also attack me verbally and he was quite good at it as he was even able to press my buttons!
Last Sunday I was talking to him and made some comment about how I didn't have a TV. Ross then said that I should come over and watch TV with him sometime. He sounded serious but as there was no other talk about it, I didn't really think too much of it. On Friday, I headed into Target to drop off some papers and found Ross to be in the employee area. He said,"Hey, you haven't come over to watch TV!" I responded, "Well, you haven't invited me." Ross asked if I worked Saturday night, to which I responded "Yes" and told me to call him when I got off of work and that I could come over. Tyler was with me when this happened and told me he didn't think Ross was flirting while I was a bit confused whether he was or not. Ross is the kind of guy that can talk to anyone so it's hard to say whether he's flirting or not. I had also heard he had a gf. But then I thought, well he knows I'll get out late on Saturday but he still wants me to come hang out... Yeah, so pretty much, I just really didn't know what to expect last night. And again, I didn't know anything about him. Ross hit me off as kind of a "Good Guy" and Tyler got the same impression. But last night, I found that wasn't true.
I headed to his place in Dinkytown and got there around 1 am. I found out that he was 25 and he thought that I was 21 or 22. Hehe, I'm only 18 Ross... Ross started talking about drinking and pot smoking (when he was young) and he was just making these comments that just really surprised me! I mean, with a lot of stuff he was saying he was being sarcastic and such, but still, I could see that he wasn't as good as I thought he was. Ross asked if I drank and we ended up having some glasses of Rum and coke, which is now my new favorite drink. We talked and talked and got to know one another. He was mighty surprised to find out I had never smoked pot. As I thought he was more of a "good boy", he assumed I was more of a "bad girl." Oh, and I also found out that he didn't have a gf and the big thing I found out...he has a big crush on me that started in about December when I started to talk to him in my mean sarcastic way. So yeah...big revelation there!
Again, like some other nights spent with Jerry, I hardly got any sleep. We just stayed up the entire night pretty much. And it was fun. And that's all I'll say. : )
Friday, February 11, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
THe Hell Liz...
What the hell am I doing inviting boys over at 1:30 in the morning who I don't even know?
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Gory
I met up with Jerry last night when I was finished at Target. I met him at Perkins at midnight after he had already been there for probably like 2 hours. We sat talking, joking, and laughing about nothing in particular, as we got drunk off of coffee. We got onto the conversation of movies and I talked about all of these classic and just plain good movies that I haven’t seen. “Wow, I really have a job on my hands.” Jerry commented at one point. He later asked when I had to get up the next morning and I replied that I didn’t have class until 1:30. So, then Jerry invited me over to watch a movie with him and of course, I obliged. We left Perkins around 1:30 am and headed to his house and made the way to the basement where we checked out the selection. I pointed out various movies that I hadn’t seen but told Jerry that it was ultimately up to him. After much critical thinking, he finally chose Kill Bill Volume 1. I loved it! I was just laughing in stupefied amazement at some of the scenes in the movie. And the music was so great too! Heehee, I just think it funny to picture us lounging on the couch watching such a gory movie and just loving the hell out of it for its brilliance. (And now I’m dying to see the 2nd one!) Yeah, so needless to say I’m a little tired. I didn’t get home until 4:30 last night and made myself get up early to write a paper that was due today. (Shame on me!) But it was well worth it. I miss just doing little things like that. I hate having nothing to do and just going to bed at midnight out of sheer boredom. Last night while sitting with Jerry, I was just laughing in my head thinking, “The hell Liz? Who is this guy, what are you doing?” Heehee, he’s just some guy that I met online and now we’re drinking coffee at Perkins and watching Kill Bill together. Life’s great sometimes.
Yesterday when I was driving to work I was flipping through the stations and quickly passed 89.3. As it stopped on the station, all I heard was a little acoustic music and then I turned to another one. But then I stopped. Though I didn’t really know the song, I just knew it was Sondre Lerche! I quickly went back and sure enough it was! It was like meeting your long lost adopted child…or something like that. J I was just overcome with joy and even felt like crying at hearing his voice. I just haven’t listened to him in so long and I finally put in his cd today to listen to it and it was just the greatest thing. Sondre Lerche is so good. If you haven’t checked him out yet, you have to. Except for you Tyler, you wouldn’t appreciate it.
And speaking of Tyler…he’s coming to see me this weekend! I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself! I’m so braiding your hair…
Yesterday when I was driving to work I was flipping through the stations and quickly passed 89.3. As it stopped on the station, all I heard was a little acoustic music and then I turned to another one. But then I stopped. Though I didn’t really know the song, I just knew it was Sondre Lerche! I quickly went back and sure enough it was! It was like meeting your long lost adopted child…or something like that. J I was just overcome with joy and even felt like crying at hearing his voice. I just haven’t listened to him in so long and I finally put in his cd today to listen to it and it was just the greatest thing. Sondre Lerche is so good. If you haven’t checked him out yet, you have to. Except for you Tyler, you wouldn’t appreciate it.
And speaking of Tyler…he’s coming to see me this weekend! I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself! I’m so braiding your hair…
Friday, February 04, 2005
New!
Got bored with the old look, wanted to try something new. I like dots...and I like light colors, so this suits me I think. Guess we'll see if it lasts eh? Don't be too surprised if it happens to change again. But one weird thing..the comment thing is now above my posts...just so everyone knows and they're not commenting on the wrong one. Unless someone knows how to fix it and get it back like it was...hint hint...
Anyway, it's Friday night, and I'm bored. You know, if you're going to live in a city, you really need to LIVE in a city. One problem though, I really don't have anyone to hang out with. Sure, there's Jerry, but he's a really busy guy. (He makes his own little films and is working with a team on a tv pilot.) Then there's Abel, but...yeah, Abel. Speaking of him, we went to go see Boogey Man tonight. I wasn't expecting anything too great of the movie, and good thing I wasn't. Horrible lines and just really stupid plot. But, it's worthless to talk about. Anyway, so I'm getting over this Strep Throat and I knew Abel would just insist on buying me something to eat. When I picked him up, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere to eat. I responded as I usually do, "No, I'm not hungry." He just shrugged his shoulders and made this face of "You always say that, just stop!" So then I spoke up, "I'm still sick, I'm not hungry." I knew he'd get on my nerves... When we got to the theatre, he told me I could get something to eat but I just got a pop. He asked if I'd eat popcorn with him but kept replying, "No." He still got popcorn and when the guy asked if he wanted butter on it, Abel looked at me and asked if I did. I smiled as I said, "I'm not eating it, it's up to you." He goes, "You're not?" Well shit Abel, I told you I wasn't. And uhh, a few times he kept putting his hand on my back and I was just seriously cringing. With a lot of guys, I just can't handle being touched, it really bothers me. Especially if I'm just not attracted to them in that way! After the movie, I headed over to Target to drop him off and he said, "I want to go to McDonalds." Notice, he said "I." I pull up to the drive-thru and after the guy asks what I need, Abel says, "Get what you want." I knew he would do that! He'd just wait till we got up there and I was trapped in the corner! Oh well Abel, spend your fucking money on me if you want. So, I ordered something cheap...
Anyway...back to what I was saying. So there's those two boys...sure there is my roommate but she doesn't go out too often. Also, she has asthma so I understand her not wanting to go to the bars and such. I'd go alone, but...I'd rather someone be with me. And besides, I reallly don't know where I'd go, I don't know what's up here!
I need to go on some dates. I just need to meet people and have fun. Anyone interested in taking me on a date? I'll go with anyone just for the chance to get out and have fun. I should ask Tony...I'm sure Tony would be happy to take me out. I mean, he likes 'em young doesn't he? (Ooh, I'm going to get a talking to...) Heehee, I tease! Maybe...
Anyway, it's Friday night, and I'm bored. You know, if you're going to live in a city, you really need to LIVE in a city. One problem though, I really don't have anyone to hang out with. Sure, there's Jerry, but he's a really busy guy. (He makes his own little films and is working with a team on a tv pilot.) Then there's Abel, but...yeah, Abel. Speaking of him, we went to go see Boogey Man tonight. I wasn't expecting anything too great of the movie, and good thing I wasn't. Horrible lines and just really stupid plot. But, it's worthless to talk about. Anyway, so I'm getting over this Strep Throat and I knew Abel would just insist on buying me something to eat. When I picked him up, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere to eat. I responded as I usually do, "No, I'm not hungry." He just shrugged his shoulders and made this face of "You always say that, just stop!" So then I spoke up, "I'm still sick, I'm not hungry." I knew he'd get on my nerves... When we got to the theatre, he told me I could get something to eat but I just got a pop. He asked if I'd eat popcorn with him but kept replying, "No." He still got popcorn and when the guy asked if he wanted butter on it, Abel looked at me and asked if I did. I smiled as I said, "I'm not eating it, it's up to you." He goes, "You're not?" Well shit Abel, I told you I wasn't. And uhh, a few times he kept putting his hand on my back and I was just seriously cringing. With a lot of guys, I just can't handle being touched, it really bothers me. Especially if I'm just not attracted to them in that way! After the movie, I headed over to Target to drop him off and he said, "I want to go to McDonalds." Notice, he said "I." I pull up to the drive-thru and after the guy asks what I need, Abel says, "Get what you want." I knew he would do that! He'd just wait till we got up there and I was trapped in the corner! Oh well Abel, spend your fucking money on me if you want. So, I ordered something cheap...
Anyway...back to what I was saying. So there's those two boys...sure there is my roommate but she doesn't go out too often. Also, she has asthma so I understand her not wanting to go to the bars and such. I'd go alone, but...I'd rather someone be with me. And besides, I reallly don't know where I'd go, I don't know what's up here!
I need to go on some dates. I just need to meet people and have fun. Anyone interested in taking me on a date? I'll go with anyone just for the chance to get out and have fun. I should ask Tony...I'm sure Tony would be happy to take me out. I mean, he likes 'em young doesn't he? (Ooh, I'm going to get a talking to...) Heehee, I tease! Maybe...
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Thanks Ian
Last night I began to feel quite shitty again. I took my temperature to see that it had risen from the night before. I called up mom and she pretty much told me that I definitely needed to see someone. I had a high fever, horrible headache and my throat hurt like a bitch. Well, I had to call and wake up my dad because I don't have my insurance card and had to get all that info from him. And then since I haven't been to any clinic or anything around here, I called up Ian to see if he could help me out. So around 10:40 last night, Ian picked me up and we went to the Fairview Hospital and Emergency clinic in campus town. The lady at the front desk was what Ian described as a "pleasant lady." She acted very impatient and her voice was not soothing at all. I guess when Ian finally came in, he went up to her and said, "My sister just came in." The lady just threw out her hands in this bitchy "I don't know who she is" way. Anyway, I got a throat coulture (sp?) right away and had questions asked of me, they took my blood pressure and shiznit like that. After that, things went very slowly...Once I was finally taken back to see the doctor, it took him forever to finally come in and see me. He asked me about my symptoms and then he checked my breathing and my limph nodes and looked in my throat. He said it looked like strep throat. So then he went to go check on the throat coulture and again I had to wait a long-ass time. When he came back, he said I was positive for it. So then he left me again to go fill out my perscription. That took awhile. After I got my script, I was told to head over to the hospital next door and pick up my pills. So I headed over there and went to the little pharmacy area and handed my script to the lady in there. She looked at me questioningly and said, "Ok?.." Jesus Christ lady, I was handed this and told to come here! You do this all the time! She just acted as though I should have more information or something. So then she told me it would take about 30-40 minutes. I couldn't believe it. It was already 12:10.
Ian and I headed to the village wok where I drank my water and some tea and watched him eat. We headed back to the hospital about 40 min later and I returned to the room. There was another lady in there, a nurse who worked at the hospital who was suffering from a migraine. They told us it might take 10 more minutes because their system wasn't working right and things were getting sent back. The nurse was saying, "This lady is so slow!" Well, it ended up taking longer than 10 min. I was probably there for about 20-30 min. The nurse had already left to go home, taking her script with her. I waited it out though and finally I got my perscription. And yeah, I didn't get home till 1:30. I feel kind of bad for doing that to Ian, but I really appreciate it.
So now I'm stuck at home all day. "Joy" It is an early weekend for me it seems.
Ian and I headed to the village wok where I drank my water and some tea and watched him eat. We headed back to the hospital about 40 min later and I returned to the room. There was another lady in there, a nurse who worked at the hospital who was suffering from a migraine. They told us it might take 10 more minutes because their system wasn't working right and things were getting sent back. The nurse was saying, "This lady is so slow!" Well, it ended up taking longer than 10 min. I was probably there for about 20-30 min. The nurse had already left to go home, taking her script with her. I waited it out though and finally I got my perscription. And yeah, I didn't get home till 1:30. I feel kind of bad for doing that to Ian, but I really appreciate it.
So now I'm stuck at home all day. "Joy" It is an early weekend for me it seems.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Jesus Christ boys..
I just got back from my walk and I realized that there are still some things about this area that are going to take some getting used to. I've talked about this before, but here I go again.
I walked by this house where two 20-some boys were standing on the porch. I just knew something would be said. As I walked by, one boy says, "You look pretty." I just looked up at him and then looked away. He went on, "Can I get your number, I'll call you later."
I also had two cars honk at me while on my walk. Jesus...I mean, in State Center I'd always get looks from men around the town and such, but of course they never hit on me. It's a small town, shit would get around. But here, no one is afraid to do anything.
But then again, I can't say I don't enjoy it either...
I walked by this house where two 20-some boys were standing on the porch. I just knew something would be said. As I walked by, one boy says, "You look pretty." I just looked up at him and then looked away. He went on, "Can I get your number, I'll call you later."
I also had two cars honk at me while on my walk. Jesus...I mean, in State Center I'd always get looks from men around the town and such, but of course they never hit on me. It's a small town, shit would get around. But here, no one is afraid to do anything.
But then again, I can't say I don't enjoy it either...
Ass
Ass. I feel like ass. I had a fever last night that just seemed to strike out of nowhere. And though my body was hot, I still felt cold. This morning was when I felt the worst though. My body felt so hot and gross while I still froze on the inside and I had a splitting headache that would just not go away...So yeah, I didn't go to class today, which sucks. I had a test in Geology that I missed out on...fucking "joy."
But I'm starting to feel better. Just like the sickness came out of nowhere, it's leaving almost as fast. I don't get it. But whatever, I enjoyed the feeling of weakness that comes from being sick and it was fun to feel like a zombie as I shuffled around Target looking for jello and sore throat drops.
I think I'm going to go for a walk. The weather is too nice to not enjoy it.
But I'm starting to feel better. Just like the sickness came out of nowhere, it's leaving almost as fast. I don't get it. But whatever, I enjoyed the feeling of weakness that comes from being sick and it was fun to feel like a zombie as I shuffled around Target looking for jello and sore throat drops.
I think I'm going to go for a walk. The weather is too nice to not enjoy it.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Lovin' The Sleep Deprivation
I'm sleep deprived, hence the title, but it has all been worth it.
Last night Jerry called me up and invited me to go to a movie with him and of course, I accepted the offer. We saw the movie Hotel Rhwanda (sp?). It was a really good movie, and definitely very sad. We joked later about how we saw that movie for our date.
Last night was spent with Jerry at his town house. We just stayed up for hours as he played music for me that I hadn't heard yet and we talked and joked about this and that, until he eventually started falling asleep on me. But, I guess it's excuseable since the night prior we hadn't even gone to bed at all. Needless to say, we were both a little tired.
I've really been enjoying hanging out with Jerry. He appreciates my weird and sometimes absurd humor for he is also a bit morbid in a humorous way. We both can laugh at anything and he thinks I'm interesting. What more could I ask for?
It's strange how something so good can come from something so horrible...
Last night Jerry called me up and invited me to go to a movie with him and of course, I accepted the offer. We saw the movie Hotel Rhwanda (sp?). It was a really good movie, and definitely very sad. We joked later about how we saw that movie for our date.
Last night was spent with Jerry at his town house. We just stayed up for hours as he played music for me that I hadn't heard yet and we talked and joked about this and that, until he eventually started falling asleep on me. But, I guess it's excuseable since the night prior we hadn't even gone to bed at all. Needless to say, we were both a little tired.
I've really been enjoying hanging out with Jerry. He appreciates my weird and sometimes absurd humor for he is also a bit morbid in a humorous way. We both can laugh at anything and he thinks I'm interesting. What more could I ask for?
It's strange how something so good can come from something so horrible...
Monday, January 31, 2005
Jerry...
Oh Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...
I actually looked forward to coming home to Minneapolis last night and I actually am starting to enjoy living here. I may not have gone to bed last night and almost fell asleep mulitiple times in my classes, but it was well worth it. Sigh... : )
I'm a happy girl right now...
I actually looked forward to coming home to Minneapolis last night and I actually am starting to enjoy living here. I may not have gone to bed last night and almost fell asleep mulitiple times in my classes, but it was well worth it. Sigh... : )
I'm a happy girl right now...
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Friday Night Drunk Girl
I'm leaving for Iowa tomorrow and on Friday I'll be visiting my friends Rachel and Tyler who are going to ISU. Rachel lives in the dorms and is living the stereotypical college dorm life: She gets drunk quite a bit. And there is nothing wrong with that! Ok, maybe there is. :)
Since I've recently been dumpt and have been hurting, I've realized that I need to get out and just do more. I'm going to start spending a lot more time with my friends and family, but also, I just need to kind of forget about things for the moment, and what better way to do that than to drown my sorrows with alcohol?? (please keep in mind that I'm not being wholly serious! I don't actually think this is a good idea.)
Anyway, so there's going to be a party on Rachel's floor and there will plenty of drunk college girls and BOYS about. And no, I do not plan on being a good girl. There's not anything to hold me back now. But hey, before you start worrying or looking down on me, please know that I do not plan on doing anything sexual, I'm still a good girl even if I am being "bad." So yeah, Friday should be fun. I'll get drunk and start dancing and hopefully start flirthing and such. Tyler has never made out before...that might change. :) Oh Tyler, you know I tease. Or do I?? Heehee...
I'm such a verbal whore.
Since I've recently been dumpt and have been hurting, I've realized that I need to get out and just do more. I'm going to start spending a lot more time with my friends and family, but also, I just need to kind of forget about things for the moment, and what better way to do that than to drown my sorrows with alcohol?? (please keep in mind that I'm not being wholly serious! I don't actually think this is a good idea.)
Anyway, so there's going to be a party on Rachel's floor and there will plenty of drunk college girls and BOYS about. And no, I do not plan on being a good girl. There's not anything to hold me back now. But hey, before you start worrying or looking down on me, please know that I do not plan on doing anything sexual, I'm still a good girl even if I am being "bad." So yeah, Friday should be fun. I'll get drunk and start dancing and hopefully start flirthing and such. Tyler has never made out before...that might change. :) Oh Tyler, you know I tease. Or do I?? Heehee...
I'm such a verbal whore.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Creepity-Creep
Some of you who know me also know that I have a secret obsession with creeps; I love them. Moreso, I love getting hit on by creeps. When I was followed in Venice by this creepy guy, my heart was all a-flutter. When weird guys hit on me at unexpected times, I can't wait to tell my friends. Somehow, I always seem to find myself in a position where a creep comes along and hits on me. And, it has happened again! They must be drawn to me...like they can sniff it on me or something!
I was working at Target one night when this man came through my lane. The guy looks about older 30's to 40's. He's probably around 5'5 and has a stocky build. He is just a bit overweight, but it's natural looking for a guy his age. He has dark hair with gray in it; full head of hair and he wears glasses. He seems like a really nice guy and he's always whistling and humming. Well, one night when he came through, he asked me how I was doing and I replied, "I'm doing well." He replied to this, "Oh, you seem a little so-so tonight Liz. Other times I come in, you seem to be happy and such." I thought this slightly creepish. I mean, it's normal to recognize workers at a place where you go often, but it's just the fact that he took notice of me and what mood I seemed to be in. Anyway...another night he came in and he went to a lane right next to me. While checking out, he kept looking over at me! Not like I wasn't staring at him too, but whatever, it was just slightly weird.
So a couple nights ago I was finishing with one customer and I looked and saw that he was next in line. My heart started beating fast and I could feel the redness in my face. But then I thought, "Well, I do like creeps, maybe I can make a moment out of this and use pity to my advantage." When I turned to him I said, "Hey, how's it going?" And I made sure to say it in a way that showed that I recognized him and such. I'm not sure how this happened, but he ended up introducing himself to me. "Well Liz, my name is Alex." Now...do you think that you would ever just introduce yourself to a cashier? And not just that, but he said it in a way that was like he meant that I'd be seeing him more often. So, then he asked me how I was doing, and I began my pity act. "Oh, it hasn't been the best weekend for me." I replied. "Oh, what happened?" He asked. I smiled slightly and said, "Oh, just some relationship problems."
And here was his reply: "Well, I think you're a really special girl and no one should ever hurt you."
AGH! I couldn't believe it! I just wanted to scream out loud and I couldn't wait to call up my friends and tell them what had happened. After he left, I couldn't help but imagine a creepy date with this guy...I just imagined me sitting very uncomfortable in his nice living-room; we'd have wine glasses in our hands and at some point he'd start stroking my face with the backs of his fingertips as he told me how lovely I looked. Wow, I need to stop. That's creepy.
I'm going to get myself in trouble.
I was working at Target one night when this man came through my lane. The guy looks about older 30's to 40's. He's probably around 5'5 and has a stocky build. He is just a bit overweight, but it's natural looking for a guy his age. He has dark hair with gray in it; full head of hair and he wears glasses. He seems like a really nice guy and he's always whistling and humming. Well, one night when he came through, he asked me how I was doing and I replied, "I'm doing well." He replied to this, "Oh, you seem a little so-so tonight Liz. Other times I come in, you seem to be happy and such." I thought this slightly creepish. I mean, it's normal to recognize workers at a place where you go often, but it's just the fact that he took notice of me and what mood I seemed to be in. Anyway...another night he came in and he went to a lane right next to me. While checking out, he kept looking over at me! Not like I wasn't staring at him too, but whatever, it was just slightly weird.
So a couple nights ago I was finishing with one customer and I looked and saw that he was next in line. My heart started beating fast and I could feel the redness in my face. But then I thought, "Well, I do like creeps, maybe I can make a moment out of this and use pity to my advantage." When I turned to him I said, "Hey, how's it going?" And I made sure to say it in a way that showed that I recognized him and such. I'm not sure how this happened, but he ended up introducing himself to me. "Well Liz, my name is Alex." Now...do you think that you would ever just introduce yourself to a cashier? And not just that, but he said it in a way that was like he meant that I'd be seeing him more often. So, then he asked me how I was doing, and I began my pity act. "Oh, it hasn't been the best weekend for me." I replied. "Oh, what happened?" He asked. I smiled slightly and said, "Oh, just some relationship problems."
And here was his reply: "Well, I think you're a really special girl and no one should ever hurt you."
AGH! I couldn't believe it! I just wanted to scream out loud and I couldn't wait to call up my friends and tell them what had happened. After he left, I couldn't help but imagine a creepy date with this guy...I just imagined me sitting very uncomfortable in his nice living-room; we'd have wine glasses in our hands and at some point he'd start stroking my face with the backs of his fingertips as he told me how lovely I looked. Wow, I need to stop. That's creepy.
I'm going to get myself in trouble.
Reality Bites
I didn't speak to Jay all weekend for he had gone down to Iowa City to visit a friend and party. Last night while working at Target, I received a text from him that said, "Wow, no texts this weekend, is something wrong?"
Anyway I talked to Jay last night and brought up our little situation. As I figured, he protested talking about it. He's one of those types who when they talk about something once, then they're done with it. He just didn't want to discuss it, but I wouldn't let him go. "Jay, I'm confused and I don't know what's going on!" I pleaded with him. Jay threatened to hang up, but didn't. He never does actually do it. He started to go on about how he didn't like talking about it because he didn't have answers to my questions. He doesn't know why he's feelings this way and it hurts him to not know why and to not be able to answer my questions. I was talking to Jay on the way home from work and as I pulled into my drive-way I asked Jay, "Are you crying?"
"Yes." He replied. Yeah..so that got me crying of course. I was hurt by the fact that Jay has lost feelings for me for apparently no reason and he was crying because he couldn't explain why he was feeling this way and he hated hurting me like this.
But, it was not all tears though. I started cracking jokes, while we were crying : ), and was just kind of making a mockery of some of the thigns that were happening and such. I also started to go on like: "C'mon Jay, is it really that hard to love me?!" I began to name off various things that we had done together and brought up things that I had done for him; like all of my creative gifts I've given him. All of this made him laugh through his tears and at one point he jokingly said, "Stop being so cheeky!" I loved hearing this for in that one ill-fated conversation the other night he had stated that "..things aren't like what they used to be; things aren't cheeky like they used to be.." I started to talk about our options of what we could do. I told him that if it were up to me I wouldn't break up because I still love him and my feelings haven't changed, but the decision was ultimately up to him. If things weren't quite right with him, then it wouldn't work. With pain in his voice, Jay made the decision that it might be best for us to take a break. This got me crying again, which got Jay crying again. At one point he jokingly said, "You made me cry twice tonight!" (I love when Jay cries, I love to see a guy showing his emotions)
It was definitely hard to fully realize what was about to happen, and it sucked. But it definitely wasn't as painful as the other night. Jay told me that he was pretty sure that if we were to have stayed together then it would have ended in a bad break-up for we both would have just been so stressed out with what was going on. He feels that the break is a good chance to have the "spark" come back. He feels that we need to both take a step back and do what we feel we must and want to do in terms of our future. That being said, he plans on moving to Colorado next fall. I was speechless when he told me that, but not really surprised. I felt that I might have been holding him back from doing that.
But things have ended well. I know Jay is definitely doing this with us in mind. I feel that lately our relationship has gotten stressful with Jay focused more on his educational future than anything else. And then there were my fears with him not being totally focused on us which caused more stress. I mean, last night was very stress free after we got things settled and we had such a great, fun, and funny conversation. I think this really will do us some good.
But of course, I do fear that Jay won't come back to me, that his feelings for me will never come back, and that sucks. I hate knowing that when we're together, he won't be reaching out to hold me or kiss me. I hate knowing that I won't be sleeping in his bed with him at night. It sucks. But if there's a chance that Jay and I could get back together, I'm for it.
I guess I'll see what happens...Maybe Abel will be happy. I know Tyler is...you sick bastard! :)
Anyway I talked to Jay last night and brought up our little situation. As I figured, he protested talking about it. He's one of those types who when they talk about something once, then they're done with it. He just didn't want to discuss it, but I wouldn't let him go. "Jay, I'm confused and I don't know what's going on!" I pleaded with him. Jay threatened to hang up, but didn't. He never does actually do it. He started to go on about how he didn't like talking about it because he didn't have answers to my questions. He doesn't know why he's feelings this way and it hurts him to not know why and to not be able to answer my questions. I was talking to Jay on the way home from work and as I pulled into my drive-way I asked Jay, "Are you crying?"
"Yes." He replied. Yeah..so that got me crying of course. I was hurt by the fact that Jay has lost feelings for me for apparently no reason and he was crying because he couldn't explain why he was feeling this way and he hated hurting me like this.
But, it was not all tears though. I started cracking jokes, while we were crying : ), and was just kind of making a mockery of some of the thigns that were happening and such. I also started to go on like: "C'mon Jay, is it really that hard to love me?!" I began to name off various things that we had done together and brought up things that I had done for him; like all of my creative gifts I've given him. All of this made him laugh through his tears and at one point he jokingly said, "Stop being so cheeky!" I loved hearing this for in that one ill-fated conversation the other night he had stated that "..things aren't like what they used to be; things aren't cheeky like they used to be.." I started to talk about our options of what we could do. I told him that if it were up to me I wouldn't break up because I still love him and my feelings haven't changed, but the decision was ultimately up to him. If things weren't quite right with him, then it wouldn't work. With pain in his voice, Jay made the decision that it might be best for us to take a break. This got me crying again, which got Jay crying again. At one point he jokingly said, "You made me cry twice tonight!" (I love when Jay cries, I love to see a guy showing his emotions)
It was definitely hard to fully realize what was about to happen, and it sucked. But it definitely wasn't as painful as the other night. Jay told me that he was pretty sure that if we were to have stayed together then it would have ended in a bad break-up for we both would have just been so stressed out with what was going on. He feels that the break is a good chance to have the "spark" come back. He feels that we need to both take a step back and do what we feel we must and want to do in terms of our future. That being said, he plans on moving to Colorado next fall. I was speechless when he told me that, but not really surprised. I felt that I might have been holding him back from doing that.
But things have ended well. I know Jay is definitely doing this with us in mind. I feel that lately our relationship has gotten stressful with Jay focused more on his educational future than anything else. And then there were my fears with him not being totally focused on us which caused more stress. I mean, last night was very stress free after we got things settled and we had such a great, fun, and funny conversation. I think this really will do us some good.
But of course, I do fear that Jay won't come back to me, that his feelings for me will never come back, and that sucks. I hate knowing that when we're together, he won't be reaching out to hold me or kiss me. I hate knowing that I won't be sleeping in his bed with him at night. It sucks. But if there's a chance that Jay and I could get back together, I'm for it.
I guess I'll see what happens...Maybe Abel will be happy. I know Tyler is...you sick bastard! :)
Friday, January 21, 2005
Oh no Abel...
Abel called me while I was talking to mom and left a voice mail. In it he said to call me back after three cause that's when he'll be home. He wants to know if I want to do something tonight if I'm doing nothing...but then...oh my I can't believe this. At the end of the message he said, "Ok, I'll talk to you later...I miss you."
No, no, no...we don't have anything to talk about, he can't like me!
No, no, no...we don't have anything to talk about, he can't like me!
Hmm...
Well, I guess I'm feeling better already, but only to an extent. I'm still confused and still don't know what to do. This is just overwhelming and I just feel so stuck.
I talked to Jay last night on the phone. Of course, he was in one of his moods, which he always seems to be in, or at least when he's around me lately...that sucks. Thing with Jay, it's hard for him to talk about what's bothering him and so when he did finally get shit out and talks about it, he talks about it once and then it's done with. I'm not that way. I always bring stuff up after it's happened just because I want a clear and precise idea of what's happening and how we're feeling. Last night when I tried to bring it up, Jay was pretty much just like, "Why are you bringing this up?" I asked him if he did just want to kind of forget it and start over and he said "Yes." Also, I asked if we just dropped the whole moving in thing would everything be fine and again he replied, "Yes." But just the way he talked...I just don't feel too comforted. Jay has never liked talking on the phone, but things just seem to be changing. I don't know if there are reasons for this besides what was discussed the other night, or maybe if it truly is that he's worried about getting too serious and so that's just effecting everything right now. I mean, before when I'd be up here and we wouldn't talk for awhile, he'd actually call me during the day just to talk, and he hates talking on the phone! I'm g0ing on my third week up here, the longest I've been up here without going home or having someone come to visit, and he just hasn't called. If I'm to call him, he doesn't get excited or really engage in conversation. But then again, he never really just talks to people on the phone anyways. It's just short little things.
I just don't know what to think, and I hate this but I know I won't really know what's going on until I go home. Until then I just have to wait. I'm not sure what's going to happen, and that frightens me. I'm just left alone with my thoughts and my brain is about to explode with all the shit I'm thinking of. I think of what it would be like to be single again, or just take a slight break from Jay. I'm thinking of what would happen if we just dropped the serious stuff and I stayed up in Minnesota or went to some other state or even out of the country and we just let it go and see what happened; just see if we still love one another and still want to stay together. This idea does excite me. I'd love to go live abroad and go to some college in England or somewhere, just try something totally new. I'm young and this would be a good time to do such a thing before I have to settle down with a job. Only thing...money! But then again, I think of all the times that Jay and I have had and it'd be so hard to just kind of put some of that stuff aside, even if we are still together.
I can really relate to some things I've seen Josh say on his blog about the whole "I love you" thing. Whenever I'd hear of people my age saying they were in love, I never believed it and thought them too young. And I always felt that I'd never be comfortable enough to say it, and that it'd take me a VERY long time to reach that comfortable level. As my family can tell you, as can my friends and such, I'm not a close person and don't really like to be touched. I don't like sharing my feelings or having people show their feelings for me. When I'm flirting, it's fine but when things start to get serious, I always get uncomfortable. And then Jay came along. After being with him for awhile, I found myself actually wanting to hear him say "I love you" and when he did, it was just such a rush, and I never felt weird about it! And then I finally felt it and said it to, and I didn't feel uncomfortable. I've just said, felt and done so many things with him that I could have never believed I could say, feel and do. To leave that or put it on hold? Fuck. I don't know how.
But I really can't make any decisions yet as I haven't been home yet. I'm kind of scared to go home. Scared that Jay won't be able to find it within himself to care for me like he used to. I'm scared he won't want to hug or kiss me. I hate this shit. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Actually it's not. 2nd to worse thing.
I talked to Jay last night on the phone. Of course, he was in one of his moods, which he always seems to be in, or at least when he's around me lately...that sucks. Thing with Jay, it's hard for him to talk about what's bothering him and so when he did finally get shit out and talks about it, he talks about it once and then it's done with. I'm not that way. I always bring stuff up after it's happened just because I want a clear and precise idea of what's happening and how we're feeling. Last night when I tried to bring it up, Jay was pretty much just like, "Why are you bringing this up?" I asked him if he did just want to kind of forget it and start over and he said "Yes." Also, I asked if we just dropped the whole moving in thing would everything be fine and again he replied, "Yes." But just the way he talked...I just don't feel too comforted. Jay has never liked talking on the phone, but things just seem to be changing. I don't know if there are reasons for this besides what was discussed the other night, or maybe if it truly is that he's worried about getting too serious and so that's just effecting everything right now. I mean, before when I'd be up here and we wouldn't talk for awhile, he'd actually call me during the day just to talk, and he hates talking on the phone! I'm g0ing on my third week up here, the longest I've been up here without going home or having someone come to visit, and he just hasn't called. If I'm to call him, he doesn't get excited or really engage in conversation. But then again, he never really just talks to people on the phone anyways. It's just short little things.
I just don't know what to think, and I hate this but I know I won't really know what's going on until I go home. Until then I just have to wait. I'm not sure what's going to happen, and that frightens me. I'm just left alone with my thoughts and my brain is about to explode with all the shit I'm thinking of. I think of what it would be like to be single again, or just take a slight break from Jay. I'm thinking of what would happen if we just dropped the serious stuff and I stayed up in Minnesota or went to some other state or even out of the country and we just let it go and see what happened; just see if we still love one another and still want to stay together. This idea does excite me. I'd love to go live abroad and go to some college in England or somewhere, just try something totally new. I'm young and this would be a good time to do such a thing before I have to settle down with a job. Only thing...money! But then again, I think of all the times that Jay and I have had and it'd be so hard to just kind of put some of that stuff aside, even if we are still together.
I can really relate to some things I've seen Josh say on his blog about the whole "I love you" thing. Whenever I'd hear of people my age saying they were in love, I never believed it and thought them too young. And I always felt that I'd never be comfortable enough to say it, and that it'd take me a VERY long time to reach that comfortable level. As my family can tell you, as can my friends and such, I'm not a close person and don't really like to be touched. I don't like sharing my feelings or having people show their feelings for me. When I'm flirting, it's fine but when things start to get serious, I always get uncomfortable. And then Jay came along. After being with him for awhile, I found myself actually wanting to hear him say "I love you" and when he did, it was just such a rush, and I never felt weird about it! And then I finally felt it and said it to, and I didn't feel uncomfortable. I've just said, felt and done so many things with him that I could have never believed I could say, feel and do. To leave that or put it on hold? Fuck. I don't know how.
But I really can't make any decisions yet as I haven't been home yet. I'm kind of scared to go home. Scared that Jay won't be able to find it within himself to care for me like he used to. I'm scared he won't want to hug or kiss me. I hate this shit. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Actually it's not. 2nd to worse thing.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
I'm Dying Right Now...
Quite the title eh? Well, I don’t really know how else to describe how I’m feeling right now. Fuck, how to even start this. Ok…I’ve been having some fears about Jay and I lately, but I just assumed that they were my normal insecurities trying to get the better of me and as I’m going home next weekend I thought I’d just wait it out. Why the fears? Well last time I was home I noticed that Jay wasn’t being as close to me as he usually was and he didn’t seem to want to go out and do as much with me as usual. Also, he kept getting bothered by doing things with me that he thought were becoming routine, but I can understand that. Routine sucks, it kind of takes the feelings away after time. But I just hoped that it was a phase and that he’d snap out of it. I mean, that happened, but then Jay would pull me to him and hold me and kiss me and show me how much he cares like he always does. But still, it bothered me. So yeah, lately I’ve just been feeling all this fear and have been thinking about breaking up a lot recently. It’s not that I want to, but I feared it was going to happen, of course I pushed this to the side, thinking it just a silly worry. The other night I had a dream that Matt and Emily broke up, but all the next day I felt that it was more geared towards Jay and I.
Then last night came…Jay and I were chatting online like usual, and we were just having one of our normal conversations when suddenly Jay asked, “Can we have a serious talk?” My heart started to pound and I began to get very nervous. I asked if it was something bad but Jay assured me that it wasn’t. Well, it ended up being bad, but truthfully, I don’t think Jay expected it to go where it did. The first thing that Jay said that he was getting scared because he felt we were getting too serious and it frightened him that I wanted to move out to Colorado with him. I understand him getting scared cause it’s going to fast, but he was the one who asked me to go out to Colorado with him and the idea excited me. Well, last night Jay told me that it made him cringe to think that he had asked me that. Do you know how painful that is?! That’s a fucking stab in the heart to have him say that! But it gets worse. Jay went on to say about how things are just the same between us and nothing is happening; that we’re running out of things to do. He also talked about how he has been feeling weird around me lately and that’s why he wasn’t as close last time. He said he couldn’t explain why he was feeling this way and that it was killing him to feel that way. I asked him if he was suggesting we break up but he said he didn’t want that. Jay talked of how we’ve been fighting and bickering more lately, and I told him it was because of the way he had been acting and how since it got me confused and such, I began to question him about it, and Jay hates being questioned about things. I don’t know if he felt threatened or scared or whatever, but a fight would just break out.
I was definitely crying at this point. Why lie, I’m crying now. I wasn’t the only one crying though. Jay admitted he couldn’t see straight cause of his crying and that it was killing him too.
It continues. I asked Jay if he loved me, which he responded yes to. But when I asked if he was in love with me, his reply was, “I dunno.” How the hell do I respond to that, and how the fuck am I suppsed to feel after seeing that? It fucking kills! I mean, this is my worst fucking fear; the fear that I’d still have the same feelings for someone, but their feelings would lessen. You can change behaviors and such that bother people, but feelings are a lot harder to change.
At one point Jay suggested that maybe we should take a break, because then maybe the spark would come back. This only made me cry harder and I told Jay that I wouldn’t be able to do that. I’d still long to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. My feelings haven’t changed and I just can’t stop loving him and showing him that I do! After I told Jay this, he thought about it and then decided that that wasn’t the best idea for he’d feel the same. He apologized to me for being an asshole last time I was home and for getting angry and for his feelings that he’s been having. He commented about how tonight sucked. I asked him if he dreaded my coming home next weekend and he said no. When asked what he thought about it, he said “It’ll be like it always is. It’ll be good to see you.”
Jay began to talk about how he just wanted to start over. He didn’t want to break up with me, he couldn’t do it. He said, “I just want to forget this conversation ever happened and start over, though I know it’ll be easier for me to do that than you.” So he wants to continue with us, but just not get so serious. But when I asked him, the only serious thing between us is the moving in together thing, nothing else is bothering him.
Oh I just don’t know. Last night was just so painful, as is today. And I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain; it’s really hard for Jay to talk about how he’s feeling, but it also killed him because he knew how much I cared for him. Emotionally, Jay has been my first for everything. I’ve just never felt comfortable about liking a guy, until Jay came along. He’s the only person that I never felt uncomfortable around! And the thing is, I have such a hard time with expressing my feelings, I mean Jay is the only person who I could actually say out loud to, “I love you.” Fuck, he’s the only person I could write to and say that, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else, it just makes me uncomfortable! I’ve given him so much in this relationship, just so much of me, and he’s done the same to me. I can’t lose this. This is fucking killing me.
I mean, do you know how it feels to be 4 hours away from the person you love and have this going on? Do you know how it feels to have this going on, knowing that you won’t see this person for another week? I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I just don’t fucking know. The only logical thing to do it seems is cry, and I’ve done plenty of that. When this started last night, I texted my roommate Emily and had her come back home from her bf’s last night. She came into my room and hugged me and sat with me as I cried and continued my chat with Jay. That really meant a lot to have her do that. I was texting my friend Rachel about this, but there wasn’t much she could do. She just said she wished so bad she could be with me and that she felt awful.
I couldn’t stop crying last night. I woke up this morning and felt so confused. It just didn’t seem real and how I wished it was only a dream. But it wasn’t, and I was soon crying again. And here I am, still crying. I still have the whole day to live out; I still have classes and work tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to keep from breaking down. I just don’t know what to do.
Then last night came…Jay and I were chatting online like usual, and we were just having one of our normal conversations when suddenly Jay asked, “Can we have a serious talk?” My heart started to pound and I began to get very nervous. I asked if it was something bad but Jay assured me that it wasn’t. Well, it ended up being bad, but truthfully, I don’t think Jay expected it to go where it did. The first thing that Jay said that he was getting scared because he felt we were getting too serious and it frightened him that I wanted to move out to Colorado with him. I understand him getting scared cause it’s going to fast, but he was the one who asked me to go out to Colorado with him and the idea excited me. Well, last night Jay told me that it made him cringe to think that he had asked me that. Do you know how painful that is?! That’s a fucking stab in the heart to have him say that! But it gets worse. Jay went on to say about how things are just the same between us and nothing is happening; that we’re running out of things to do. He also talked about how he has been feeling weird around me lately and that’s why he wasn’t as close last time. He said he couldn’t explain why he was feeling this way and that it was killing him to feel that way. I asked him if he was suggesting we break up but he said he didn’t want that. Jay talked of how we’ve been fighting and bickering more lately, and I told him it was because of the way he had been acting and how since it got me confused and such, I began to question him about it, and Jay hates being questioned about things. I don’t know if he felt threatened or scared or whatever, but a fight would just break out.
I was definitely crying at this point. Why lie, I’m crying now. I wasn’t the only one crying though. Jay admitted he couldn’t see straight cause of his crying and that it was killing him too.
It continues. I asked Jay if he loved me, which he responded yes to. But when I asked if he was in love with me, his reply was, “I dunno.” How the hell do I respond to that, and how the fuck am I suppsed to feel after seeing that? It fucking kills! I mean, this is my worst fucking fear; the fear that I’d still have the same feelings for someone, but their feelings would lessen. You can change behaviors and such that bother people, but feelings are a lot harder to change.
At one point Jay suggested that maybe we should take a break, because then maybe the spark would come back. This only made me cry harder and I told Jay that I wouldn’t be able to do that. I’d still long to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. My feelings haven’t changed and I just can’t stop loving him and showing him that I do! After I told Jay this, he thought about it and then decided that that wasn’t the best idea for he’d feel the same. He apologized to me for being an asshole last time I was home and for getting angry and for his feelings that he’s been having. He commented about how tonight sucked. I asked him if he dreaded my coming home next weekend and he said no. When asked what he thought about it, he said “It’ll be like it always is. It’ll be good to see you.”
Jay began to talk about how he just wanted to start over. He didn’t want to break up with me, he couldn’t do it. He said, “I just want to forget this conversation ever happened and start over, though I know it’ll be easier for me to do that than you.” So he wants to continue with us, but just not get so serious. But when I asked him, the only serious thing between us is the moving in together thing, nothing else is bothering him.
Oh I just don’t know. Last night was just so painful, as is today. And I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain; it’s really hard for Jay to talk about how he’s feeling, but it also killed him because he knew how much I cared for him. Emotionally, Jay has been my first for everything. I’ve just never felt comfortable about liking a guy, until Jay came along. He’s the only person that I never felt uncomfortable around! And the thing is, I have such a hard time with expressing my feelings, I mean Jay is the only person who I could actually say out loud to, “I love you.” Fuck, he’s the only person I could write to and say that, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else, it just makes me uncomfortable! I’ve given him so much in this relationship, just so much of me, and he’s done the same to me. I can’t lose this. This is fucking killing me.
I mean, do you know how it feels to be 4 hours away from the person you love and have this going on? Do you know how it feels to have this going on, knowing that you won’t see this person for another week? I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I just don’t fucking know. The only logical thing to do it seems is cry, and I’ve done plenty of that. When this started last night, I texted my roommate Emily and had her come back home from her bf’s last night. She came into my room and hugged me and sat with me as I cried and continued my chat with Jay. That really meant a lot to have her do that. I was texting my friend Rachel about this, but there wasn’t much she could do. She just said she wished so bad she could be with me and that she felt awful.
I couldn’t stop crying last night. I woke up this morning and felt so confused. It just didn’t seem real and how I wished it was only a dream. But it wasn’t, and I was soon crying again. And here I am, still crying. I still have the whole day to live out; I still have classes and work tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to keep from breaking down. I just don’t know what to do.
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