Oh Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...
I actually looked forward to coming home to Minneapolis last night and I actually am starting to enjoy living here. I may not have gone to bed last night and almost fell asleep mulitiple times in my classes, but it was well worth it. Sigh... : )
I'm a happy girl right now...
Monday, January 31, 2005
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Friday Night Drunk Girl
I'm leaving for Iowa tomorrow and on Friday I'll be visiting my friends Rachel and Tyler who are going to ISU. Rachel lives in the dorms and is living the stereotypical college dorm life: She gets drunk quite a bit. And there is nothing wrong with that! Ok, maybe there is. :)
Since I've recently been dumpt and have been hurting, I've realized that I need to get out and just do more. I'm going to start spending a lot more time with my friends and family, but also, I just need to kind of forget about things for the moment, and what better way to do that than to drown my sorrows with alcohol?? (please keep in mind that I'm not being wholly serious! I don't actually think this is a good idea.)
Anyway, so there's going to be a party on Rachel's floor and there will plenty of drunk college girls and BOYS about. And no, I do not plan on being a good girl. There's not anything to hold me back now. But hey, before you start worrying or looking down on me, please know that I do not plan on doing anything sexual, I'm still a good girl even if I am being "bad." So yeah, Friday should be fun. I'll get drunk and start dancing and hopefully start flirthing and such. Tyler has never made out before...that might change. :) Oh Tyler, you know I tease. Or do I?? Heehee...
I'm such a verbal whore.
Since I've recently been dumpt and have been hurting, I've realized that I need to get out and just do more. I'm going to start spending a lot more time with my friends and family, but also, I just need to kind of forget about things for the moment, and what better way to do that than to drown my sorrows with alcohol?? (please keep in mind that I'm not being wholly serious! I don't actually think this is a good idea.)
Anyway, so there's going to be a party on Rachel's floor and there will plenty of drunk college girls and BOYS about. And no, I do not plan on being a good girl. There's not anything to hold me back now. But hey, before you start worrying or looking down on me, please know that I do not plan on doing anything sexual, I'm still a good girl even if I am being "bad." So yeah, Friday should be fun. I'll get drunk and start dancing and hopefully start flirthing and such. Tyler has never made out before...that might change. :) Oh Tyler, you know I tease. Or do I?? Heehee...
I'm such a verbal whore.
Monday, January 24, 2005
Creepity-Creep
Some of you who know me also know that I have a secret obsession with creeps; I love them. Moreso, I love getting hit on by creeps. When I was followed in Venice by this creepy guy, my heart was all a-flutter. When weird guys hit on me at unexpected times, I can't wait to tell my friends. Somehow, I always seem to find myself in a position where a creep comes along and hits on me. And, it has happened again! They must be drawn to me...like they can sniff it on me or something!
I was working at Target one night when this man came through my lane. The guy looks about older 30's to 40's. He's probably around 5'5 and has a stocky build. He is just a bit overweight, but it's natural looking for a guy his age. He has dark hair with gray in it; full head of hair and he wears glasses. He seems like a really nice guy and he's always whistling and humming. Well, one night when he came through, he asked me how I was doing and I replied, "I'm doing well." He replied to this, "Oh, you seem a little so-so tonight Liz. Other times I come in, you seem to be happy and such." I thought this slightly creepish. I mean, it's normal to recognize workers at a place where you go often, but it's just the fact that he took notice of me and what mood I seemed to be in. Anyway...another night he came in and he went to a lane right next to me. While checking out, he kept looking over at me! Not like I wasn't staring at him too, but whatever, it was just slightly weird.
So a couple nights ago I was finishing with one customer and I looked and saw that he was next in line. My heart started beating fast and I could feel the redness in my face. But then I thought, "Well, I do like creeps, maybe I can make a moment out of this and use pity to my advantage." When I turned to him I said, "Hey, how's it going?" And I made sure to say it in a way that showed that I recognized him and such. I'm not sure how this happened, but he ended up introducing himself to me. "Well Liz, my name is Alex." Now...do you think that you would ever just introduce yourself to a cashier? And not just that, but he said it in a way that was like he meant that I'd be seeing him more often. So, then he asked me how I was doing, and I began my pity act. "Oh, it hasn't been the best weekend for me." I replied. "Oh, what happened?" He asked. I smiled slightly and said, "Oh, just some relationship problems."
And here was his reply: "Well, I think you're a really special girl and no one should ever hurt you."
AGH! I couldn't believe it! I just wanted to scream out loud and I couldn't wait to call up my friends and tell them what had happened. After he left, I couldn't help but imagine a creepy date with this guy...I just imagined me sitting very uncomfortable in his nice living-room; we'd have wine glasses in our hands and at some point he'd start stroking my face with the backs of his fingertips as he told me how lovely I looked. Wow, I need to stop. That's creepy.
I'm going to get myself in trouble.
I was working at Target one night when this man came through my lane. The guy looks about older 30's to 40's. He's probably around 5'5 and has a stocky build. He is just a bit overweight, but it's natural looking for a guy his age. He has dark hair with gray in it; full head of hair and he wears glasses. He seems like a really nice guy and he's always whistling and humming. Well, one night when he came through, he asked me how I was doing and I replied, "I'm doing well." He replied to this, "Oh, you seem a little so-so tonight Liz. Other times I come in, you seem to be happy and such." I thought this slightly creepish. I mean, it's normal to recognize workers at a place where you go often, but it's just the fact that he took notice of me and what mood I seemed to be in. Anyway...another night he came in and he went to a lane right next to me. While checking out, he kept looking over at me! Not like I wasn't staring at him too, but whatever, it was just slightly weird.
So a couple nights ago I was finishing with one customer and I looked and saw that he was next in line. My heart started beating fast and I could feel the redness in my face. But then I thought, "Well, I do like creeps, maybe I can make a moment out of this and use pity to my advantage." When I turned to him I said, "Hey, how's it going?" And I made sure to say it in a way that showed that I recognized him and such. I'm not sure how this happened, but he ended up introducing himself to me. "Well Liz, my name is Alex." Now...do you think that you would ever just introduce yourself to a cashier? And not just that, but he said it in a way that was like he meant that I'd be seeing him more often. So, then he asked me how I was doing, and I began my pity act. "Oh, it hasn't been the best weekend for me." I replied. "Oh, what happened?" He asked. I smiled slightly and said, "Oh, just some relationship problems."
And here was his reply: "Well, I think you're a really special girl and no one should ever hurt you."
AGH! I couldn't believe it! I just wanted to scream out loud and I couldn't wait to call up my friends and tell them what had happened. After he left, I couldn't help but imagine a creepy date with this guy...I just imagined me sitting very uncomfortable in his nice living-room; we'd have wine glasses in our hands and at some point he'd start stroking my face with the backs of his fingertips as he told me how lovely I looked. Wow, I need to stop. That's creepy.
I'm going to get myself in trouble.
Reality Bites
I didn't speak to Jay all weekend for he had gone down to Iowa City to visit a friend and party. Last night while working at Target, I received a text from him that said, "Wow, no texts this weekend, is something wrong?"
Anyway I talked to Jay last night and brought up our little situation. As I figured, he protested talking about it. He's one of those types who when they talk about something once, then they're done with it. He just didn't want to discuss it, but I wouldn't let him go. "Jay, I'm confused and I don't know what's going on!" I pleaded with him. Jay threatened to hang up, but didn't. He never does actually do it. He started to go on about how he didn't like talking about it because he didn't have answers to my questions. He doesn't know why he's feelings this way and it hurts him to not know why and to not be able to answer my questions. I was talking to Jay on the way home from work and as I pulled into my drive-way I asked Jay, "Are you crying?"
"Yes." He replied. Yeah..so that got me crying of course. I was hurt by the fact that Jay has lost feelings for me for apparently no reason and he was crying because he couldn't explain why he was feeling this way and he hated hurting me like this.
But, it was not all tears though. I started cracking jokes, while we were crying : ), and was just kind of making a mockery of some of the thigns that were happening and such. I also started to go on like: "C'mon Jay, is it really that hard to love me?!" I began to name off various things that we had done together and brought up things that I had done for him; like all of my creative gifts I've given him. All of this made him laugh through his tears and at one point he jokingly said, "Stop being so cheeky!" I loved hearing this for in that one ill-fated conversation the other night he had stated that "..things aren't like what they used to be; things aren't cheeky like they used to be.." I started to talk about our options of what we could do. I told him that if it were up to me I wouldn't break up because I still love him and my feelings haven't changed, but the decision was ultimately up to him. If things weren't quite right with him, then it wouldn't work. With pain in his voice, Jay made the decision that it might be best for us to take a break. This got me crying again, which got Jay crying again. At one point he jokingly said, "You made me cry twice tonight!" (I love when Jay cries, I love to see a guy showing his emotions)
It was definitely hard to fully realize what was about to happen, and it sucked. But it definitely wasn't as painful as the other night. Jay told me that he was pretty sure that if we were to have stayed together then it would have ended in a bad break-up for we both would have just been so stressed out with what was going on. He feels that the break is a good chance to have the "spark" come back. He feels that we need to both take a step back and do what we feel we must and want to do in terms of our future. That being said, he plans on moving to Colorado next fall. I was speechless when he told me that, but not really surprised. I felt that I might have been holding him back from doing that.
But things have ended well. I know Jay is definitely doing this with us in mind. I feel that lately our relationship has gotten stressful with Jay focused more on his educational future than anything else. And then there were my fears with him not being totally focused on us which caused more stress. I mean, last night was very stress free after we got things settled and we had such a great, fun, and funny conversation. I think this really will do us some good.
But of course, I do fear that Jay won't come back to me, that his feelings for me will never come back, and that sucks. I hate knowing that when we're together, he won't be reaching out to hold me or kiss me. I hate knowing that I won't be sleeping in his bed with him at night. It sucks. But if there's a chance that Jay and I could get back together, I'm for it.
I guess I'll see what happens...Maybe Abel will be happy. I know Tyler is...you sick bastard! :)
Anyway I talked to Jay last night and brought up our little situation. As I figured, he protested talking about it. He's one of those types who when they talk about something once, then they're done with it. He just didn't want to discuss it, but I wouldn't let him go. "Jay, I'm confused and I don't know what's going on!" I pleaded with him. Jay threatened to hang up, but didn't. He never does actually do it. He started to go on about how he didn't like talking about it because he didn't have answers to my questions. He doesn't know why he's feelings this way and it hurts him to not know why and to not be able to answer my questions. I was talking to Jay on the way home from work and as I pulled into my drive-way I asked Jay, "Are you crying?"
"Yes." He replied. Yeah..so that got me crying of course. I was hurt by the fact that Jay has lost feelings for me for apparently no reason and he was crying because he couldn't explain why he was feeling this way and he hated hurting me like this.
But, it was not all tears though. I started cracking jokes, while we were crying : ), and was just kind of making a mockery of some of the thigns that were happening and such. I also started to go on like: "C'mon Jay, is it really that hard to love me?!" I began to name off various things that we had done together and brought up things that I had done for him; like all of my creative gifts I've given him. All of this made him laugh through his tears and at one point he jokingly said, "Stop being so cheeky!" I loved hearing this for in that one ill-fated conversation the other night he had stated that "..things aren't like what they used to be; things aren't cheeky like they used to be.." I started to talk about our options of what we could do. I told him that if it were up to me I wouldn't break up because I still love him and my feelings haven't changed, but the decision was ultimately up to him. If things weren't quite right with him, then it wouldn't work. With pain in his voice, Jay made the decision that it might be best for us to take a break. This got me crying again, which got Jay crying again. At one point he jokingly said, "You made me cry twice tonight!" (I love when Jay cries, I love to see a guy showing his emotions)
It was definitely hard to fully realize what was about to happen, and it sucked. But it definitely wasn't as painful as the other night. Jay told me that he was pretty sure that if we were to have stayed together then it would have ended in a bad break-up for we both would have just been so stressed out with what was going on. He feels that the break is a good chance to have the "spark" come back. He feels that we need to both take a step back and do what we feel we must and want to do in terms of our future. That being said, he plans on moving to Colorado next fall. I was speechless when he told me that, but not really surprised. I felt that I might have been holding him back from doing that.
But things have ended well. I know Jay is definitely doing this with us in mind. I feel that lately our relationship has gotten stressful with Jay focused more on his educational future than anything else. And then there were my fears with him not being totally focused on us which caused more stress. I mean, last night was very stress free after we got things settled and we had such a great, fun, and funny conversation. I think this really will do us some good.
But of course, I do fear that Jay won't come back to me, that his feelings for me will never come back, and that sucks. I hate knowing that when we're together, he won't be reaching out to hold me or kiss me. I hate knowing that I won't be sleeping in his bed with him at night. It sucks. But if there's a chance that Jay and I could get back together, I'm for it.
I guess I'll see what happens...Maybe Abel will be happy. I know Tyler is...you sick bastard! :)
Friday, January 21, 2005
Oh no Abel...
Abel called me while I was talking to mom and left a voice mail. In it he said to call me back after three cause that's when he'll be home. He wants to know if I want to do something tonight if I'm doing nothing...but then...oh my I can't believe this. At the end of the message he said, "Ok, I'll talk to you later...I miss you."
No, no, no...we don't have anything to talk about, he can't like me!
No, no, no...we don't have anything to talk about, he can't like me!
Hmm...
Well, I guess I'm feeling better already, but only to an extent. I'm still confused and still don't know what to do. This is just overwhelming and I just feel so stuck.
I talked to Jay last night on the phone. Of course, he was in one of his moods, which he always seems to be in, or at least when he's around me lately...that sucks. Thing with Jay, it's hard for him to talk about what's bothering him and so when he did finally get shit out and talks about it, he talks about it once and then it's done with. I'm not that way. I always bring stuff up after it's happened just because I want a clear and precise idea of what's happening and how we're feeling. Last night when I tried to bring it up, Jay was pretty much just like, "Why are you bringing this up?" I asked him if he did just want to kind of forget it and start over and he said "Yes." Also, I asked if we just dropped the whole moving in thing would everything be fine and again he replied, "Yes." But just the way he talked...I just don't feel too comforted. Jay has never liked talking on the phone, but things just seem to be changing. I don't know if there are reasons for this besides what was discussed the other night, or maybe if it truly is that he's worried about getting too serious and so that's just effecting everything right now. I mean, before when I'd be up here and we wouldn't talk for awhile, he'd actually call me during the day just to talk, and he hates talking on the phone! I'm g0ing on my third week up here, the longest I've been up here without going home or having someone come to visit, and he just hasn't called. If I'm to call him, he doesn't get excited or really engage in conversation. But then again, he never really just talks to people on the phone anyways. It's just short little things.
I just don't know what to think, and I hate this but I know I won't really know what's going on until I go home. Until then I just have to wait. I'm not sure what's going to happen, and that frightens me. I'm just left alone with my thoughts and my brain is about to explode with all the shit I'm thinking of. I think of what it would be like to be single again, or just take a slight break from Jay. I'm thinking of what would happen if we just dropped the serious stuff and I stayed up in Minnesota or went to some other state or even out of the country and we just let it go and see what happened; just see if we still love one another and still want to stay together. This idea does excite me. I'd love to go live abroad and go to some college in England or somewhere, just try something totally new. I'm young and this would be a good time to do such a thing before I have to settle down with a job. Only thing...money! But then again, I think of all the times that Jay and I have had and it'd be so hard to just kind of put some of that stuff aside, even if we are still together.
I can really relate to some things I've seen Josh say on his blog about the whole "I love you" thing. Whenever I'd hear of people my age saying they were in love, I never believed it and thought them too young. And I always felt that I'd never be comfortable enough to say it, and that it'd take me a VERY long time to reach that comfortable level. As my family can tell you, as can my friends and such, I'm not a close person and don't really like to be touched. I don't like sharing my feelings or having people show their feelings for me. When I'm flirting, it's fine but when things start to get serious, I always get uncomfortable. And then Jay came along. After being with him for awhile, I found myself actually wanting to hear him say "I love you" and when he did, it was just such a rush, and I never felt weird about it! And then I finally felt it and said it to, and I didn't feel uncomfortable. I've just said, felt and done so many things with him that I could have never believed I could say, feel and do. To leave that or put it on hold? Fuck. I don't know how.
But I really can't make any decisions yet as I haven't been home yet. I'm kind of scared to go home. Scared that Jay won't be able to find it within himself to care for me like he used to. I'm scared he won't want to hug or kiss me. I hate this shit. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Actually it's not. 2nd to worse thing.
I talked to Jay last night on the phone. Of course, he was in one of his moods, which he always seems to be in, or at least when he's around me lately...that sucks. Thing with Jay, it's hard for him to talk about what's bothering him and so when he did finally get shit out and talks about it, he talks about it once and then it's done with. I'm not that way. I always bring stuff up after it's happened just because I want a clear and precise idea of what's happening and how we're feeling. Last night when I tried to bring it up, Jay was pretty much just like, "Why are you bringing this up?" I asked him if he did just want to kind of forget it and start over and he said "Yes." Also, I asked if we just dropped the whole moving in thing would everything be fine and again he replied, "Yes." But just the way he talked...I just don't feel too comforted. Jay has never liked talking on the phone, but things just seem to be changing. I don't know if there are reasons for this besides what was discussed the other night, or maybe if it truly is that he's worried about getting too serious and so that's just effecting everything right now. I mean, before when I'd be up here and we wouldn't talk for awhile, he'd actually call me during the day just to talk, and he hates talking on the phone! I'm g0ing on my third week up here, the longest I've been up here without going home or having someone come to visit, and he just hasn't called. If I'm to call him, he doesn't get excited or really engage in conversation. But then again, he never really just talks to people on the phone anyways. It's just short little things.
I just don't know what to think, and I hate this but I know I won't really know what's going on until I go home. Until then I just have to wait. I'm not sure what's going to happen, and that frightens me. I'm just left alone with my thoughts and my brain is about to explode with all the shit I'm thinking of. I think of what it would be like to be single again, or just take a slight break from Jay. I'm thinking of what would happen if we just dropped the serious stuff and I stayed up in Minnesota or went to some other state or even out of the country and we just let it go and see what happened; just see if we still love one another and still want to stay together. This idea does excite me. I'd love to go live abroad and go to some college in England or somewhere, just try something totally new. I'm young and this would be a good time to do such a thing before I have to settle down with a job. Only thing...money! But then again, I think of all the times that Jay and I have had and it'd be so hard to just kind of put some of that stuff aside, even if we are still together.
I can really relate to some things I've seen Josh say on his blog about the whole "I love you" thing. Whenever I'd hear of people my age saying they were in love, I never believed it and thought them too young. And I always felt that I'd never be comfortable enough to say it, and that it'd take me a VERY long time to reach that comfortable level. As my family can tell you, as can my friends and such, I'm not a close person and don't really like to be touched. I don't like sharing my feelings or having people show their feelings for me. When I'm flirting, it's fine but when things start to get serious, I always get uncomfortable. And then Jay came along. After being with him for awhile, I found myself actually wanting to hear him say "I love you" and when he did, it was just such a rush, and I never felt weird about it! And then I finally felt it and said it to, and I didn't feel uncomfortable. I've just said, felt and done so many things with him that I could have never believed I could say, feel and do. To leave that or put it on hold? Fuck. I don't know how.
But I really can't make any decisions yet as I haven't been home yet. I'm kind of scared to go home. Scared that Jay won't be able to find it within himself to care for me like he used to. I'm scared he won't want to hug or kiss me. I hate this shit. This is just the worst thing that could have happened. Actually it's not. 2nd to worse thing.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
I'm Dying Right Now...
Quite the title eh? Well, I don’t really know how else to describe how I’m feeling right now. Fuck, how to even start this. Ok…I’ve been having some fears about Jay and I lately, but I just assumed that they were my normal insecurities trying to get the better of me and as I’m going home next weekend I thought I’d just wait it out. Why the fears? Well last time I was home I noticed that Jay wasn’t being as close to me as he usually was and he didn’t seem to want to go out and do as much with me as usual. Also, he kept getting bothered by doing things with me that he thought were becoming routine, but I can understand that. Routine sucks, it kind of takes the feelings away after time. But I just hoped that it was a phase and that he’d snap out of it. I mean, that happened, but then Jay would pull me to him and hold me and kiss me and show me how much he cares like he always does. But still, it bothered me. So yeah, lately I’ve just been feeling all this fear and have been thinking about breaking up a lot recently. It’s not that I want to, but I feared it was going to happen, of course I pushed this to the side, thinking it just a silly worry. The other night I had a dream that Matt and Emily broke up, but all the next day I felt that it was more geared towards Jay and I.
Then last night came…Jay and I were chatting online like usual, and we were just having one of our normal conversations when suddenly Jay asked, “Can we have a serious talk?” My heart started to pound and I began to get very nervous. I asked if it was something bad but Jay assured me that it wasn’t. Well, it ended up being bad, but truthfully, I don’t think Jay expected it to go where it did. The first thing that Jay said that he was getting scared because he felt we were getting too serious and it frightened him that I wanted to move out to Colorado with him. I understand him getting scared cause it’s going to fast, but he was the one who asked me to go out to Colorado with him and the idea excited me. Well, last night Jay told me that it made him cringe to think that he had asked me that. Do you know how painful that is?! That’s a fucking stab in the heart to have him say that! But it gets worse. Jay went on to say about how things are just the same between us and nothing is happening; that we’re running out of things to do. He also talked about how he has been feeling weird around me lately and that’s why he wasn’t as close last time. He said he couldn’t explain why he was feeling this way and that it was killing him to feel that way. I asked him if he was suggesting we break up but he said he didn’t want that. Jay talked of how we’ve been fighting and bickering more lately, and I told him it was because of the way he had been acting and how since it got me confused and such, I began to question him about it, and Jay hates being questioned about things. I don’t know if he felt threatened or scared or whatever, but a fight would just break out.
I was definitely crying at this point. Why lie, I’m crying now. I wasn’t the only one crying though. Jay admitted he couldn’t see straight cause of his crying and that it was killing him too.
It continues. I asked Jay if he loved me, which he responded yes to. But when I asked if he was in love with me, his reply was, “I dunno.” How the hell do I respond to that, and how the fuck am I suppsed to feel after seeing that? It fucking kills! I mean, this is my worst fucking fear; the fear that I’d still have the same feelings for someone, but their feelings would lessen. You can change behaviors and such that bother people, but feelings are a lot harder to change.
At one point Jay suggested that maybe we should take a break, because then maybe the spark would come back. This only made me cry harder and I told Jay that I wouldn’t be able to do that. I’d still long to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. My feelings haven’t changed and I just can’t stop loving him and showing him that I do! After I told Jay this, he thought about it and then decided that that wasn’t the best idea for he’d feel the same. He apologized to me for being an asshole last time I was home and for getting angry and for his feelings that he’s been having. He commented about how tonight sucked. I asked him if he dreaded my coming home next weekend and he said no. When asked what he thought about it, he said “It’ll be like it always is. It’ll be good to see you.”
Jay began to talk about how he just wanted to start over. He didn’t want to break up with me, he couldn’t do it. He said, “I just want to forget this conversation ever happened and start over, though I know it’ll be easier for me to do that than you.” So he wants to continue with us, but just not get so serious. But when I asked him, the only serious thing between us is the moving in together thing, nothing else is bothering him.
Oh I just don’t know. Last night was just so painful, as is today. And I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain; it’s really hard for Jay to talk about how he’s feeling, but it also killed him because he knew how much I cared for him. Emotionally, Jay has been my first for everything. I’ve just never felt comfortable about liking a guy, until Jay came along. He’s the only person that I never felt uncomfortable around! And the thing is, I have such a hard time with expressing my feelings, I mean Jay is the only person who I could actually say out loud to, “I love you.” Fuck, he’s the only person I could write to and say that, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else, it just makes me uncomfortable! I’ve given him so much in this relationship, just so much of me, and he’s done the same to me. I can’t lose this. This is fucking killing me.
I mean, do you know how it feels to be 4 hours away from the person you love and have this going on? Do you know how it feels to have this going on, knowing that you won’t see this person for another week? I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I just don’t fucking know. The only logical thing to do it seems is cry, and I’ve done plenty of that. When this started last night, I texted my roommate Emily and had her come back home from her bf’s last night. She came into my room and hugged me and sat with me as I cried and continued my chat with Jay. That really meant a lot to have her do that. I was texting my friend Rachel about this, but there wasn’t much she could do. She just said she wished so bad she could be with me and that she felt awful.
I couldn’t stop crying last night. I woke up this morning and felt so confused. It just didn’t seem real and how I wished it was only a dream. But it wasn’t, and I was soon crying again. And here I am, still crying. I still have the whole day to live out; I still have classes and work tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to keep from breaking down. I just don’t know what to do.
Then last night came…Jay and I were chatting online like usual, and we were just having one of our normal conversations when suddenly Jay asked, “Can we have a serious talk?” My heart started to pound and I began to get very nervous. I asked if it was something bad but Jay assured me that it wasn’t. Well, it ended up being bad, but truthfully, I don’t think Jay expected it to go where it did. The first thing that Jay said that he was getting scared because he felt we were getting too serious and it frightened him that I wanted to move out to Colorado with him. I understand him getting scared cause it’s going to fast, but he was the one who asked me to go out to Colorado with him and the idea excited me. Well, last night Jay told me that it made him cringe to think that he had asked me that. Do you know how painful that is?! That’s a fucking stab in the heart to have him say that! But it gets worse. Jay went on to say about how things are just the same between us and nothing is happening; that we’re running out of things to do. He also talked about how he has been feeling weird around me lately and that’s why he wasn’t as close last time. He said he couldn’t explain why he was feeling this way and that it was killing him to feel that way. I asked him if he was suggesting we break up but he said he didn’t want that. Jay talked of how we’ve been fighting and bickering more lately, and I told him it was because of the way he had been acting and how since it got me confused and such, I began to question him about it, and Jay hates being questioned about things. I don’t know if he felt threatened or scared or whatever, but a fight would just break out.
I was definitely crying at this point. Why lie, I’m crying now. I wasn’t the only one crying though. Jay admitted he couldn’t see straight cause of his crying and that it was killing him too.
It continues. I asked Jay if he loved me, which he responded yes to. But when I asked if he was in love with me, his reply was, “I dunno.” How the hell do I respond to that, and how the fuck am I suppsed to feel after seeing that? It fucking kills! I mean, this is my worst fucking fear; the fear that I’d still have the same feelings for someone, but their feelings would lessen. You can change behaviors and such that bother people, but feelings are a lot harder to change.
At one point Jay suggested that maybe we should take a break, because then maybe the spark would come back. This only made me cry harder and I told Jay that I wouldn’t be able to do that. I’d still long to hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him. My feelings haven’t changed and I just can’t stop loving him and showing him that I do! After I told Jay this, he thought about it and then decided that that wasn’t the best idea for he’d feel the same. He apologized to me for being an asshole last time I was home and for getting angry and for his feelings that he’s been having. He commented about how tonight sucked. I asked him if he dreaded my coming home next weekend and he said no. When asked what he thought about it, he said “It’ll be like it always is. It’ll be good to see you.”
Jay began to talk about how he just wanted to start over. He didn’t want to break up with me, he couldn’t do it. He said, “I just want to forget this conversation ever happened and start over, though I know it’ll be easier for me to do that than you.” So he wants to continue with us, but just not get so serious. But when I asked him, the only serious thing between us is the moving in together thing, nothing else is bothering him.
Oh I just don’t know. Last night was just so painful, as is today. And I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain; it’s really hard for Jay to talk about how he’s feeling, but it also killed him because he knew how much I cared for him. Emotionally, Jay has been my first for everything. I’ve just never felt comfortable about liking a guy, until Jay came along. He’s the only person that I never felt uncomfortable around! And the thing is, I have such a hard time with expressing my feelings, I mean Jay is the only person who I could actually say out loud to, “I love you.” Fuck, he’s the only person I could write to and say that, I wouldn’t do that for anyone else, it just makes me uncomfortable! I’ve given him so much in this relationship, just so much of me, and he’s done the same to me. I can’t lose this. This is fucking killing me.
I mean, do you know how it feels to be 4 hours away from the person you love and have this going on? Do you know how it feels to have this going on, knowing that you won’t see this person for another week? I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I just don’t fucking know. The only logical thing to do it seems is cry, and I’ve done plenty of that. When this started last night, I texted my roommate Emily and had her come back home from her bf’s last night. She came into my room and hugged me and sat with me as I cried and continued my chat with Jay. That really meant a lot to have her do that. I was texting my friend Rachel about this, but there wasn’t much she could do. She just said she wished so bad she could be with me and that she felt awful.
I couldn’t stop crying last night. I woke up this morning and felt so confused. It just didn’t seem real and how I wished it was only a dream. But it wasn’t, and I was soon crying again. And here I am, still crying. I still have the whole day to live out; I still have classes and work tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to keep from breaking down. I just don’t know what to do.
Monday, January 17, 2005
It Continues...
Ok, so I should talk about what happened with that guy "whose name I don't know." Well, now I DO know his name, and it's Abel. Heehee, he had quite the life when he realized I didn't even know his name. He's also from Ethiopia and just moved here about a year and four months ago and we he got here, he didn't know any English. (No wonder I can't understand him at all sometimes!) Umm, the other day I met him at Target and before we left, I headed off to the candy area to get some Sour Patch Kids for the theatre since theatre food is too fucking expensive. He told me to get whatever I wanted and I replied that I had money. Well, he just put a ten dollar bill in my hand and wouldn't take it back. Yeah...when we got to the movie, he ended up paying for that too. He kept insisting that he buy me something at the theatre but I utterly refused. "I have my candy, I'm all good." I stated. While waiting for the movie to start, he asked if my bf was in Iowa and he also asked how long we had been together. I'm just happy to know that he remembers I have a bf. After the movie, he insisted that we go to McDonalds, and he bought my supper and then we went back to my place and ate it and played with the cat before I dropped him off at Target to work.
Now, some of you think he was hitting on me, but I don't. Why? Well because when I continously say no to him wanting to buy shit for me, he always says that he doesn't understand why Americans always say no when they really do want something. "I have money so why not spend it?" He asked me.
Oh well, the guy is really nice, but we don't have too much to talk about, which makes me wonder why he continues to want to hang out with me. I mean, a couple of nights ago I went to bed around midnight-ish and at 12:20 my phone rang and said Target was calling me. I figured it was him and sure enough it was. He left a voicemail saying that if I wasn't doing anything on Sunday or Monday I should call him. Last night I worked at Target and so did he and I ended up giving him a ride home. But before he went home, we just HAD to go to McDonalds. As I ordered for him and told the lady it was done, he began to laugh and yelled at the machine, "No, we're not done yet!" Yeah...so he bought me McDonalds last night. Ahhh, oh well. Free food.
Now, some of you think he was hitting on me, but I don't. Why? Well because when I continously say no to him wanting to buy shit for me, he always says that he doesn't understand why Americans always say no when they really do want something. "I have money so why not spend it?" He asked me.
Oh well, the guy is really nice, but we don't have too much to talk about, which makes me wonder why he continues to want to hang out with me. I mean, a couple of nights ago I went to bed around midnight-ish and at 12:20 my phone rang and said Target was calling me. I figured it was him and sure enough it was. He left a voicemail saying that if I wasn't doing anything on Sunday or Monday I should call him. Last night I worked at Target and so did he and I ended up giving him a ride home. But before he went home, we just HAD to go to McDonalds. As I ordered for him and told the lady it was done, he began to laugh and yelled at the machine, "No, we're not done yet!" Yeah...so he bought me McDonalds last night. Ahhh, oh well. Free food.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Oh Dear...
I don't really know how to start this off, so I'm just going to jump right into it. There is this guy at work and I will refer to him as "the guys whose name I don't know." If you can't guess, I don't know his name. He works on the sales floor and so he doesn't wear a name tag and if he ever did tell me his name, which I don't think he did, then I don't remember it. I'm so horrible with names, as soon as someone tells me their name, it's just gone. Anyway, we met awhile back in the break room. He was eating some cookies and offered some to me. Since then, I guess we've been pals. I don't know. We've never had any big conversations or anything. He just suddenly started saying hi to me all the time and asking me how I was doing. But, it'd be hard for me to hold a conversation with him anyways. I'm not sure what ethnicity he is; he's dark of skin and has an accent, and that's the best I can do. I'm not good with accents and such. I can never understand what he's saying, since I'm accent retarded and so our conversations consist of him talking and me either nodding and smiling or asking, "What was that?" One time when we talked, he told me about how he hated staying at home and doing nothing and he was always trying to get out of the house to go out to eat and/or go to a movie. A few days ago, he asked me what I was doing on Friday and I replied "Nothing." I figured he would be going somewhere with this so I asked him if he was working. He said that he wasn't, and then he went on and on about how he wanted to see the movie Coach Carter and wanted someone to go with. So yeah, today we're going to go see the movie Coach Carter. Well, I didn't really think much of this. I mean, he told me before of how he just likes getting out of the house and I had remembered telling him I have a bf and he saw pictures of Jay on my cell phone. But then I gave him a ride home that night and when I dropped him off at his house, he gave me a present that was square shaped. At first I thought it might be a journal because he saw me journaling once in the break room, but when I opened it I saw that it was actually make-up, lip stick and lip gloss to be exact. I was just so stupified I couldn't help but laugh! So yeah, I don't know what to make of this; whether he's hitting on me or not. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens tonight eh?
Monday, January 10, 2005
Blah...
Oh, what to post about. I really don't have too much to say. Nothing too grand has happenend lately. On December 27th, I was able to leave for Iowa and stay home for a week and a half. While home, I successfully did much of nothing. I sat around playing playstation 2 and eating mozzeralla sticks with Jay. We played a lot of Dance Dance Revolution which is really quite fun, and quite a workout. One night we had a Dance Dance Revolution competition between me, Jay, and Rachel. I only came in second, Jay the master dancer came in first. After that, we hopped in Rachel's car and went to Marshalltown to Wal-Mart to spend some well-earned money on bottles of whip cream. Yum... A couple days before we had frozen rain and so when we got back to Jay's, we headed over to the high school parking lot and slid around on the ice for awhile. A couple days later, we got about 8 inches of snow so Jay and I took my monster Taurus over to the parking lot and did donuts to our hearts' content. Then we went home and ate some more mozzeralla sticks.
Oh...I miss my small townn life.
Oh...I miss my small townn life.
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