Writing and Raving

I haven't written an actual entry in awhile....well, "actual" in terms of where I'm at and how I'm feeling. I just bought a new journal today and was writing in it a wee while ago, so I think I'll share, though I've left some stuff out... : )


I've been in a writing slum lately; I use "slum" for I have no better word to describe it. Tony has begun to get more interested in writing; he has started writing brief passages in a notebook and even read some of them to me last night as we laid in bed awaiting sleep. He turned on the light beside his bed, took out his notebook and began. And later as we laid in wait and silence, he piped up, "Will you help me work on a story?"

Interesting, never thought I'd hear him say that. He even told me once that since becoming friends with me, his writing has greatly improved and he thanks me for some of it. Wow.

But as I have read his stuff, I find myself feeling dismayed and envious. I like the way he writes and describes situations; he really takes a moment in and describes it fully in feeling and thought. In reading his stuff, I feel that I really have nothing special, that my writing really will never go anywhere.
It sucks, it's a horrible feeling to feel like a failure.

I've been throwing fits lately; fits aimed at Tony and the World. I feel broken down, bruised, and cheated. I feel like I've been dealt a bad hand. But aren't these the stereotypical feelings of a stereotypical person my age? I feel that I'm going through something that no one else has had to deal with, but isn't just stereotypical too? I hate the thought that my pains and anguish are just expected of me.
Whatever, I know the intensity of what I'm going through. I know it's not stereotypical; I know it's not bullshit.

It feels like my heart is being broken every day. I'm reminded of this daily with thoughts, feelings, conversations, actions and even just from sight. What's worse, I've begun the course of a new crush on a boy of 19 (no, he doesn't seem to be that young) and I feel confused about what actions to take. End the things that make me feel comfortable (for now at least) and try to pursue something I don't know the outcome of, or just sit back and miss out on something that I might be able to attain? I can't stop thinking about him, I can't stop daydreaming about the possibilities. But I also can't stop thinking about what could go wrong: more heartbreak, more devastation, an uncomfortable friendship.

I'm the only one who can get myself out of this mess, but I constantlly refuse to help myself. The exits are all around me; the pro's proportionally outweight the cons, and I'm still closing myself off to it all. I don't listen to the positives of exiting. It's fear that keeps me in; it's fear that keeps me from stepping out and saving myself.

I'm putting my blinders on.

Ha, sounds pretty dramatic eh? Yeah, so I am dealing with some shit that only a few people know about. It sounds bad, but I've been dealing with it for almost a year now. It's been hard, and though it feels like too much at times, I know honestly that it's not. I can deal with it, I just don't want to. And yeah, my entry is vague.

Yeah.