"There Once was a boy..."

I have written a story that I feel is probably the best thing I've written. Thing is, it's only two pages long, and it's nothing like anything else I've written; it's a childrens story. Well, sort of. At least I can imagine reading this to my children some day, hopefully many years from now. : )
I have written a story about Tony; the idea of it just happened upon me one day while at Target. I just knew that for his birthday/X-mas present, I wanted to write him a story in the form of a children's book, and I wanted it to start with "There once was a boy..."
So in the past couple of weeks, I worked on this in bits and pieces; I did more thinking about it than writing really. One night I finished it and typed it up on word and just felt really good about it.
I think I will be submitting this for my writing workshop for my creative writing class, but before I do that, I would REALLY appreciate feedback from anyone who visits this site. Please read over it and tell me what you like and what you think I could improve on. Or maybe something needs explained further? More detail? Feel free to copy and paste this into word, put some feedback on it, and then e-mail it to me at neiniel@yahoo.com Actually, I encourage EVERYONE to do this.

Thank you!

(Oh...and I know I use too many "more" 's at the end of the story. I need suggestions.)



"There once was a boy who lived in a land of plenty. His childhood days were sunny and warm and full of many tings to do.
But as the boy grew older, his days became darker. Nights were an inky black which even the strongest light could not penetrate. Paths that crossed distant hills and far off lands, once seen by day, were now obscured by thick clouds that drug themselves across a forlorn sky, blocking out the warming rays of the sun.
Demons came to visit the boy and instead of shutting them out, he invited them in. He was a vulnerable boy at this time in his life. With obscured paths on the horizon, he felt lost.
Days became darker and they meddled into one another. The boy put off everything. No longer did he still gaze out on the fogging hills to try and catch glimpses of what he had once been able to see.. He let time slip slowly by and without a thought. Others looked on, family and friends. But with his hood pulled up, he seeemed untouchable to everyone.
Then one day, the boy chanced a glance out the window; the world had grown far darker since he last remembered. He saw his reflection in the window and pulled down his hood, revealing his face. How much he had grown, how much he had never realized. He touched his face and his fears were confirmed: it really was himself that he saw staring back.
Suddenly an anger arose within the boy, anger with himself for letting his world get so dark, for allowing life to just pass him by. He cast out his demons and shut the door on them.
The next morning, he left.
He traveled day and night, for they seemed to be just a continum of one another. It seemed day never ended and night never began.
He traveled with his hood pulled tight. He felt utterly alone and at times hopeless. But he trudged on with the feeling that this was the right thing to do. Upon sleep he dreamed of lands he had once glimpsed as a child and he awoke each morning with renewed vigour and set out to seek such places.
One day the boy came upon a very tall hill with sides that stretched out for miles. In the far distance of the sky, he could see its tones becoming lighter, even if only minutely, foreshadowing a hope of lands he dreamed of.
He set out without hesitation and began to climb, and when he finally reached the top, he fell down on his knees and gaped at the beauty he saw before him.
Miles and miles on he could see. In the far-off distance, he could see lands of deep green and skies of pearl blue. Down the hill he began to descend.
With each passing day the sky turned a shade lighter. No longer was it an inky black, but instead a grand blue, and then an amber orange. Every day gave promise of much more.
Paths were more clear and there were more and more that he came upon. The grass was fuller and the flowers ever so vibrantly colored.
But yet the boy knew that this was still yet the beginning. There were many paths to take, more hills to climb. He knew he’d happen upon gullies and brambles. But fear this, he did not. For whatever gully or bramble he came across, he knew there’d be brighter sunshine and even more paths to follow. He kept his eyes locked on the distant horizon in front of him and took each step with an unwavering heart.
And now there is a boy, who is turning into a man; he’s crossing roads he once could not see, and never chancing a look back at the things that used to be."