Will the real Liz please stand up?

Just when I deemed myself un-dateable, I found myself being drawn into a relationship. It’s just really strange, but in a good way, for I’m finding out who I really am. I used to not believe in that shit about finding out about the true you for I thought that you already knew who you were. You already knew what you were interested in, what you wanted to aspire to be, what your morals are and such were and what you expected in a relationship. Now I’m finding out that unless you experience something first hand, you can not make a blatant judgment regarding anything. Now, why did I deem myself un-dateable? Well, I’m not a very close person – as my family can tell you. I feel weird about being touched and cared for and loved or whatever. Any sort of touch that carries an emotion with it…I tend to shy away. I don’t have any memories of telling my parents I love them and I don’t remember ever hugging them. The thought of being close to a guy in a relationship always appealed to me though but before when I had tried to start something with another, it just never worked. Partly because once emotions and feelings got involved, I freaked out. I found that stupid little quirks that a guy could have would embarrass me greatly and bother me and soon I’d find myself just hating to be around them and connected to them in a relationship sort of way. I know, I’m horrible. So last fall, I just accepted and was content with the fact that it was pretty unlikely that I’d date anyone during high school and I’d just wait for the college boys. Besides, I still felt really young and not yet old enough to date. I just felt juvenile and not yet ready to take on a relationship. But then it happened. This guy that I’m good friends with and have known for a long time admits to me that he has developed a greater liking for me. He knew though that I wasn’t interested in him and so he knew that nothing would probably happen. I loved flirting with the guy, but I’m a little flirt so whatever. But he would flirt back and we could just joke about it and it was fun. Well, to keep this short – though it’s not short at all – we ended up getting drunk and making out at a couple of parties. We did nothing other than that…I’m a good girl. But still, he knew that I didn’t want to date him. One night he verbally attacked me, “Liz, why won’t you date me?!” I just held no attraction to him and what can you do if you’re not attracted to someone who likes you? We began to hang out more for I kind of lost touch with my friends over the years and my good friend Rachel is always with her bf. So I began to see him more often and ended up developing a crush on him. This is how it went: In the beginning, there was absolutely no attraction for him, it was just all flirting. Then I though, well, I like how’s it’s going but I don’t want anything to become official. Come the end of January, I wanted to be his gf, and in Feb, we made it official. So how do I feel about my first relationship? Well, going back to what I first talked about…Many things that I thought I would be in a relationship I’m not, and many things that I thought I wouldn’t be, I am. I’ve found that I’m a lot more insecure than I thought I would be and things that shouldn’t bother me cut me deeply. I don’t like that about me, but I’m trying to change it. But I’ve found that I’m not quite the person that I thought I was. My opinions and thoughts on certain things that have to do with relationships have totally changed. Things that I thought I would never say, feel or do have happened and I’ve just been very comfortable about everything. Hmm…time to wrap it up I guess…and I don’t really know how. Sorry to make you read ALL of that.